I don’t know if it’s all men, or just Michael, but he’s really proud of his farts. The noisier the better. But the silent and deadly ones? Well, you’d think he deserved a prize based on the grin that bursts across his face.
I’m used to it. I’m used to him cozying up against me, only to release a gaseous stink. I’m used to the occasional dutch oven. I’m used to it, but I don’t like it.
The first night we had Kodiak in the house the poor thing was nervous. He slept next to our bed and in the middle of the night Michael and I both woke up at the same time. Apparently being in the new house had given Kodiak a nervous tummy and he was farting up a storm. A storm that smelled so bad, it actually woke us up.
Last night I was once again awakened by an odor so stinky, it made me bury my head in the pillow.
Except it wasn’t from Kodiak. It was from Michael! Gagging, I looked over at him and I swear to you that even though he was asleep, there was a big ol’ grin on his face.
Any suggestions on how to get him back are greatly appreciated.
PS- Is it bad that I have a category dedicated to Things That Smell Bad? Hmm.
44 comments
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December 5, 2007 at 11:44 am
littlespoon
HAHAHA. I always giggle…b/c for real? I’m like 5 when it comes to bodily functions. I have no advice on how to get him back though, sorry
December 5, 2007 at 11:45 am
michelle
i don’t think so. that is one of your pet peeves, right? lol
i think you somehow need to find a way to trap him with a really offensive smell. think rotten egg, sulphur smell…. lol
December 5, 2007 at 11:53 am
dreamgrrl
oh you can just invite me over i would probably kill him hahahahhahaha so gross sorry i went there too
December 5, 2007 at 11:54 am
Valerie
Kyle is the opposite. If I start walking toward him he’ll say, “Don’t come over here! Walk the other way!”
December 5, 2007 at 11:57 am
Lisa
Oh gross! I guess you could make him eat less dairy?
December 5, 2007 at 11:58 am
Miriam D
My boyfriend does this too and thinks its hilarious. I don’t know what to tell you. Start doing it to him and see if he appreciates it. Although I generally don’t possess as much gas as the boy, so I can’t really “get him back”. How do they do it on command?
I’ll admit though I’m more amused by it than anything. I’m kind of childish like that.
Also, dog farts are way worse than human farts. That’s just my opinion. My dog let out some stinkers when we first got her because she was nervous, then she got sick. She’s only 9 lbs. I can’t believe that smell came out of something so small.
I also can’t believe I’m leaving a comment this long about farts.
December 5, 2007 at 12:02 pm
Jess
Can you teach yourself to burp really loudly? There is nothing that horrifies most guys more than a pretty girl letting out a nasty burp. That would be awesome revenge.
December 5, 2007 at 12:18 pm
Sassafras
I don’t think there is anything you can do. You’ve been with him this long and you’re going to marry him.
Anything you tried to do would probably end up with him being proud of you. BHF says, “Good one!” when I produce any sort of bodily noise.
December 5, 2007 at 12:25 pm
Alison
oh yuck…..I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 years, and we’re both grossed out by bodily functions like that. We rarely talk about that kinda stuff unless we’re both sick or something…it keeps a certain mystery and privacy to the relationship that I think is needed
December 5, 2007 at 12:44 pm
Katie
Ha ha! My hubby is so proud of his farts too! It took me several years of dating and a whole year of marriage to finally fart in front of him. Although I’ll never let out the noisy ones in his presence, just the SBD’s. I need to get over it already!
As for how you can get him back, is there any particular smell that you like but he hates? For example, Jon hates peppermint so I’ll put on my Burt Bee’s chapstick (made from peppermint extract) and go give him a big ol’ smooch!
December 5, 2007 at 12:46 pm
Clink
Haha, omigod. I love it.
Slash M is totally different. I’ve never heard him fart. Not once. Not ever.
December 5, 2007 at 12:57 pm
Each
In college one of my guy friends told me that if you dutch oven a girl she is automatically your girlfriend, no formality necessary.
it apears he is maintaining his claim on you.
(see in his mind he never even NEEDED to give you that ring, he’s already proposed hundreds of times, you just don’t speak “boy”
December 5, 2007 at 1:07 pm
kristen
i think it’s all boys. and they don’t stop just cuz you’re married.
December 5, 2007 at 1:17 pm
Pessimistic Redhead
I am CONSTANTLY (as in every freaking night we’re in the same bed) awakened by nasty smelling farts. The volume he manages to achieve while sleeping is alarming. They always wake up and sometimes, if they’re loud enough, they wake him up too. And then he giggles.
December 5, 2007 at 1:18 pm
Pessimistic Redhead
Err, always wake ME up.
December 5, 2007 at 1:22 pm
Fritz
my boyfriends farts are bad, but his sons are worse so i just lock the two of them in the small room and have at it…maybe you could do that with the dog.
December 5, 2007 at 1:25 pm
qu33nbee
Yeah. I’ve never been woken up by a fart, but I’ve been farted ON. I hate that. A lot of times, he’ll move so he doesn’t fart RIGHT on me, but when he does, I swear I could kick him.
Clink? You’re awfully lucky that you’ve never heard M fart. I’ve never heard of a guy that didn’t fart.
I have a confession, Molls. I fart in front of B. All the time. I’m over being ashamed of it or trying to hide it. Hehe…
December 5, 2007 at 1:48 pm
itsallabouthallie
OMG! I laughed through this whole post! I am not sure why but my three boys think it is the most hysterical thing in the world. They even have the whole pull my finger down. Mind you i am the mom who bought, “the gas we pass”. I am very childish and think bodily noise is hysterical. i do not knwo what it is. I am sorry you have been woken by this. I do not knwo what to tell you about that.
December 5, 2007 at 2:19 pm
DevilsHeaven
It’s totally a boy thing. F does it too. How do I get him back? I found this air freshener that he hates, so if it’s a particularly nasty fart, I’ll run and get the spray and then flood the room with it. He’s cut back on the farting, but hasn’t stopped. He even apologizes, sometimes.
And I’m sorry, but the Dutch oven is completely unacceptable. I didn’t even know what it was until F and I got together and I told him if he EVER did that to me, he’d be sleeping alone cause I’d leave him. It’s so wrong in so many ways.
Clink, I swear, is M real? NEVER heard him fart? Seriously?????
December 5, 2007 at 2:33 pm
your mom
get used to it. they still do this when they get older too.
December 5, 2007 at 2:49 pm
Peter DeWolf
Ha!
It is not all men.
December 5, 2007 at 2:54 pm
Elle
I heard the best thing to do is light a blueberry candle. No really, it works…
December 5, 2007 at 3:05 pm
kwarterlifecrisis
I LOVE that you went there. And yes, it is ALL men. I have even stopped asking TB to go in the other room or something; I just ask that he give me fair warning so that I can commence breathing out of my mouth.
The other night though my cat jumped up onto TB’s lap and just as she was about to lay down, she let out the worst smelling fart ever. Right into his face. That’s a little thing I like to call KARMA.
December 5, 2007 at 3:07 pm
L B
ewwwwwwwww!!! but funny
don’t get him back…you can’t win this battle!!!
December 5, 2007 at 3:12 pm
mikesgotnothin
I keep forgetting that women don’t fart.
Besides that, Aidan, as you know, is three and a half. His new favorite thing to do?
Pull daddy’s finger!
December 5, 2007 at 3:56 pm
pie
hah your mom is funny!
I too, giggle like a school girl when I fart b/c I’m 6, and that’s what we do.
But seriously, get used to it as your mom said. My dad still does it and it’s not any less gross b/c he’s old. I think it may be even more gross b/c he’s not cute.
My M gets away w/ a lot of gross shit b/c he’s so damn adorable.
December 5, 2007 at 4:06 pm
Anna
I have a lot of um, digestive issues, to put it delicately.
That said, I am normally the stinky one (although Gus has been known to make his mark as well) so I can’t offer any advice.
What does TTO do for revenge? Nothing. He just asks if I’m feeling okay. Sometimes there is a wrinkling of his nose, but that’s about it.
December 5, 2007 at 5:01 pm
Sarah
T is ridiculously proud of his too, and will totally smother me with a dutch oven if the timing is right. Seriously? Boys. Seriously?
December 5, 2007 at 5:53 pm
Stacey
Ha. Great post Molly! Rob is very proud of his farts, which I can only compare to a roll of thunder. They are that loud. I’m lucky though, I’m not sure why….but his don’t stink.
I just said I was lucky. About farts.
December 5, 2007 at 6:12 pm
Chelle
If he’s a farter, then you must fart back. The cover trick works wonders.
My husband and I have an understanding about this. You pass the gas near the nose, expect it back. It tends to curb his enthusiasm!
PS: Speaking of smelling up the place… you missed the office f-bombs today! And not the usual suspects fouling with four letter words. Impressive. (Yeah, you know who you are dropping bombs.. I heard ya!)
December 5, 2007 at 6:26 pm
Princess Extraoridinaire
That cracks me up as my M does the same thing - it’s nauseating!
December 5, 2007 at 7:09 pm
Doozywhoop
I maybe wouldn’t get him back so much as establish that it’s pretty sick after a while to smell something from inside him. I live in a small apartment with my boyfriend and I literally had to make a fart jar and tell him that every time he farts somewhere besides the bathroom, he owes the jar $2. Seriously.
December 5, 2007 at 9:57 pm
katelin
Haha, I laughed out loud when I read this post. I don’t really have any suggestions but I hope you find one soon, I couldn’t stand all the farting, but that’s just me.
December 5, 2007 at 10:31 pm
Marriage-101
We like to blame our farts on the dog.
December 5, 2007 at 11:25 pm
libby
hahaha hilarious! but glad I don’t have to deal, not gonna lie! i say you find foods that err…reduce flatulence…and sneak ‘em into what you make for dinner.
pretty soon he won’t have the ammo to do ANYTHING and he’ll have no idea why!
genius!! hahaha
December 6, 2007 at 2:36 am
The Lisa Show
Men. Hahaha. I love this post, but I’m sure you already know that. I should be concerned about how much I love fart stories.
December 6, 2007 at 10:19 am
kristin
wet willie him back. ahh.. that’s gross. but funny. and not repulsive.
such a guys guy thing to do. my brother rolls down my window in the car so the air sucks it out my way. then he laughs up a storm. dis-gust-ing. but we love em anyway.
December 6, 2007 at 10:35 am
puremotif
unfortunately, i struggle with this same issue. My hsuband isn’t necessarily proud of his though, he gets more embarrassed. so its harder t yell at him about it.
but EW..!!! revenge? I dont know.
December 6, 2007 at 10:44 am
JC
I remember this girl Gloria I’d dated over 10 yrs ago and being in her car and dropping down one of the most heinous smelling “breaks of wind” that I’ve ever graced myself and/or someone else with.
I’m in her 89 Ford Probe - white / blue interior - and, well…..I dropped it. BOY DID I DROP IT.
And I knew it.
So, I sat there, hand over mouth, not even listening to what she’s saying and then……IT HIT HER.
She screams “OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD….OH MYYYYYY GAAAAHHHHHHHHDDDDDDDDDDDD! OPEN YOUR WINDOW!!!!!! OPEN YOUR WINDOW!!!!!!!
And then I sang her the song by bette midler (modified of course): You Are The Wind, Between My Cheeks!
December 6, 2007 at 11:05 am
elizabethews
We really are the same person and in the same relationship with the same man. WTF????
I suggest you make a lot of egg salad and lock him in a room with it.
December 6, 2007 at 11:40 am
Melissa
Some of these comments are hilarious!
I’m happy to say that E does not do this to me. I have heard him let an occasional fart, he does say excuse me, I have never smelled one. I go in the other room if I have to, and typically, he does too.
December 6, 2007 at 4:12 pm
Kari
Revenge is sweet…just dutch oven him, hold your nose and then flap the covers so that the smell comes out in his nose when he’s least expecting it. Also, farting on him would probably do it. But I agree with whomever said it, he’ll probably just be proud of you. Our dog farts when he stretches. Every. single. time. Silly dog. But the cat makes the worst smelling farts ever. Seriously.
December 14, 2007 at 7:04 pm
Rachel
I am so glad you wrote this. I tell my boyfriend all the time that I think he needs to see a doctor because he farts so much. He thinks it is funny, but, seriously…. a little too much, thanks.
June 4, 2008 at 6:15 pm
Kylee
so, I’m kind of a little late on this one. but what is 6 months between friends*?
I’ve just started reading your blog, and of course - this is the post I decide to comment on first. Fitting, really. For me.
I am the worst offender in my house. I grew up with 3 older brothers. I had to keep up. ya know.
*blog readers/friends… tomato/tomaaato