Seventeen rows up, the seat on the end. My shoe dangled as I bounced my foot, head bent over the exam. Confident, without hesitation, I filled in the bubbles.
Paralyzed. Can’t breathe. Room getting fuzzy. I looked down and the bubbles swelled and ran together, swimming on the page into one big blur. What was happening? I raised my hand and stood at the same time, mumbling words to the TA about going outside. When the cold air hit my face I inhaled sharply, feeling my heart gradually begin to slow.
What was that?
My first brush with an anxiety attack was painful, scary and out of the blue. And then it happened again. And again. The gasping for breath, heart-pounding feelings could last anywhere from 30 seconds to five minutes. Tightness in my chest was always the first sign. Unable to stop them, I would curl into a ball and cry, waiting for it to stop.
I’m still not sure what triggered these attacks. I can speculate– college was demanding, the death of Michael’s father affected me more than I realized, the future beyond school was upon me– but I never had a clear answer. The only thing I knew was that I had to learn to control it, or it would control me.
I took vitamins. I exercised. I practiced the art of deep breathing. And most of all, I forced myself to push through them. No more tears, no more defeat.
It’s been about three years since I’ ve had a full blown anxiety attack. I know the signs now and I cut them off before it gets too bad. I don’t always know what triggers them, but I no longer let them win.
Last night I lay in bed, feeling my heart race at an all too familiar speed. I took deep breaths and willed myself to clear my head, pushing the worries of tomorrow away. Soon the racing stopped, my heart returning to a normal pace.
This morning I took a vitamin. And tonight I will push myself at the gym.
The anxiety may never fully go away, but it no longer has a hold on me.
I think it’s important you know I feel very exposed right now. Like I just stood in front of all of you and dropped my pants. While my anxiety is a very personal thing for me, talking about it– writing about it– helps.
53 comments
Comments feed for this article
January 29, 2008 at 12:25 pm
Jess
Wow. I’ve never had an anxiety attack, but they sound scary. I’m glad you’ve learned what they are and how to cut them off when they start. I’m glad you don’t let them control you. Good for you.
January 29, 2008 at 12:29 pm
JC
I’m going to buy a pair of shoes.
I should take a foto of my current ones for you.
As a matter of fact, tomorrow is “honor molly with my shoes” day.
Is that sick? Nah - just let michael know and it’s all good.
Re: the panic attacks….that’s tough to get through and to do what you do is great.
January 29, 2008 at 12:30 pm
chasingparadise
My sister has panic attacks. I’ll admit, I don’t understand them, having never experienced one myself. However, I respect those who are having to deal with them, seeing first-hand what it can do to my totally sane-totally together sister. I hope whatever it was that was bugging you last night has left your brain!
January 29, 2008 at 12:31 pm
Deutlich
I’ve had my fair share of anxiety attacks… a few of them occurred while I was driving. That right there? Scared the ever livin’ sh*t out of me.
I’m glad to hear that you’re able to work through it the way that a person should. I myself need to learn better coping skills.
Keep your head up (which it sounds like you’re already doing)
January 29, 2008 at 12:34 pm
Tina
That feeling is all too familiar to me. Glad you have learned to control it. I need to work on that!
January 29, 2008 at 12:35 pm
dreamgrrl
oh honey dont feel exposed! its good to get this stuff out! one of my best friends used to get major anxiety attacks and it was never fun - ive experienced a few bad ones myself. but its good to know your body and help it the best way you can, and realize that it will pass. way to be strong and tell us about this !! xo
January 29, 2008 at 12:36 pm
littlespoon
I hate anxiety attacks. I get them all to often and they’re never gone for good. I feel for you.
January 29, 2008 at 12:53 pm
Miriam D
Yeah, I have anxiety attacks too.
January 29, 2008 at 12:53 pm
crystall
I never realized what an anxiety attack was until I drove over a bridge. I actually just had one over Xmas because the road was new and I didn’t realize it was a gd bridge. I had to pull over and let Joey drive. So, don’t feel exposed at all, because there’s so many of us who can relate. So thank you. xoxox.
January 29, 2008 at 12:54 pm
Penelope23
I got my first anxiety or panic attack when I was a sophomore in college. It was two days before spring break and I was going to Europe for the first time. I woke up in the middle of the night heart beating fast, palms sweating, couldn’t breathe. It was terrible. Then came the tears and the frantic call to my mom. Then I was in the bathroom getting sick.
I still get them and I don’t know what triggers them. I try to stop them, but it doesn’t work. So any helpful hints would be nice.
January 29, 2008 at 12:54 pm
itsallabouthallie
I know this feeling! I too have suffered from major attacks. I too have learned to control it but it is hard! Thanks for sharing!
January 29, 2008 at 12:55 pm
Nic
I understand that feeling all too well. Shoe shopping helps.
January 29, 2008 at 12:56 pm
bing
Wow, that sounds so scary. I’ve never had an anxiety attack, but I’ve seen friends have them and know how much they can shake you up. It’s great that you’ve been able to control them, and make them go away.
The end of college was a really stressful time. I can remember calling my mom in tears about not having time to finish everything I needed to, and she would have to calm me down and tell me to stop worrying about the future and focus on the present. Surprisingly it helped.
January 29, 2008 at 12:56 pm
pie
I hate anxiety. I interalize everything so I feel anxious more often than not. It’s a terrible feeling.
Thank you for sharing. I know many will relate. I sure as hell do. We will get through this.
p.s. I think you’re great. just an fyi.
January 29, 2008 at 12:57 pm
Tina Vaziri
Anxiety is awful, but you should be proud for being able to control it and to talk about it.
January 29, 2008 at 12:59 pm
Peter DeWolf
It’s like an absolute desperate need to escape… from yourself.
January 29, 2008 at 1:06 pm
Rose
*Hugs*. =)
January 29, 2008 at 1:12 pm
Clink
My mom gets panic attacks. She had a particularly scary one when we were little and she was driving us somewhere. She pulled over at a random hospital, left a nurse with us and ran inside. I remember being terrified.
I’m so glad that both you and my mother both seem to have it under control.
January 29, 2008 at 1:26 pm
Courtney
I have alot of anxiety, but never an attack–yet–that is. I’m glad you are able to overcome these anxiety episodes and stay strong!
January 29, 2008 at 1:30 pm
elizabethews
I walk hand-in-hand with anxiety on a daily basis. Just yesterday (right before I saw you) I told my dad that was planning on entering my 30th year anxiety free. I’m getting help because I can’t imagine my next 30 years or 60 years feeling this constant pull on me. This constant, nagging, pain in the a$$ feeling that has more control over me than anything. So I get it….and I’m sorry for you - and anyone - who has to feel it. Especially and attack. Those are the worst.
January 29, 2008 at 1:36 pm
JenBun
Aww, Molls… your pants are still on! =)
I’m glad you shared this with us… you described the feelings spot on. I started having these little attacks in the past couple of years and, at first, I thought I was having a heart attack or something because it just hurt and was scary and it was so hard to breathe. Like you, I learned to control them, but I was so freaked out that someone would see them, that I would be weak and vulnerable in front of someone, without being able to control it.
Well, of course, that happened, but I got over that, too. You’re a strong girl, Molly, and you’ll be even stronger now that you’ve shared with your Blog Buddy Team– we’re behind you!
*hugs* xoxo
January 29, 2008 at 1:37 pm
Michelle and the City
i’m glad you feel comfortable enough to share that with us. anxiety is about the worst feeling in the worth. i’ve never had an anxiety attack, but i’ve had an asthma attack and understand the need to take a deep breath. oddly enough i drafted a post this morning for later in the week called “Exposed”.
January 29, 2008 at 1:38 pm
Michelle and the City
*and by worth i meant world
January 29, 2008 at 1:47 pm
Sassafras
Well let me just say that your underwear are super cute
Managing them is really all you can do and I think you’re doing a super job with it. No need to feel exposed - I love you.
January 29, 2008 at 1:51 pm
L B
i bet you feel really good about your post now that its up and running
i know that exposed feeling very well—but you shared with us a little bit of your life and you know how much I respect you as both a friend AND a fabulous pants dropping blogger 
January 29, 2008 at 2:02 pm
heidikins
I’ve only had one anxiety attack, and it is exactly as you described. I can’t imagine how scary it would be to have them frequently. Kudos to you for learning how to control them, and for sharing this very intimate part of yourself with all of us. I knew I liked people who dropped their pants. ;o)
xox
January 29, 2008 at 2:16 pm
caitlynintherye
I’ve had panic attacks since I was young. I still remember my first one- when I was in Arizona with my grandmother and staying with her brother. I remember what set it off too- thinking about death, thinking about how they would die eventually and then how I would die eventually. I was twisted in my bedsheets, screaming that I was dying, screaming because my chest felt tight and my breathing was sharp.
I’ve had my share of them since, always set off by the same thoughts. I know how to avoid them- to change my thought process early- but it’s still the most frightening thing.
January 29, 2008 at 2:20 pm
Amber
I get The Panic too, so I know how hard it must have been for you to write this. I’m glad you did, though - it helps to know that other people go through it, too.
January 29, 2008 at 3:01 pm
Ashley
i love you. pants around the ankles and all.
January 29, 2008 at 3:28 pm
Hope
Molly, I know all too well what you speak of.
As Amber lovingly called it The Panic and I are dear, old friends. And for a long time I felt so ashamed and weak. But now, I do my best to try live with it. Exercise really does help so much. I also take a herbal pill called ‘Valeria’ or ‘Valerin’. I take it before situations I fear may cause an attack and so far it seems to be working!
P.S I am so happy that you wrote about this.
January 29, 2008 at 3:38 pm
Julie
*HUG* They are the worst! I have had a lot of success with square breathing (breathe in for a count of 5, hold it for 5, out for 5, hold for 5). It seems to trick my body into shifting out of the flight-mode. Hang in there!!
January 29, 2008 at 3:48 pm
notsojenny
i hear ya’. i get panic attacks whenever i have to go to the dr.s office and i can’t even go into hospitals, unless i’m being rushed in on a gurney. it just happened one day, i passed out after a shot, and i’ve been afflicted ever since. and it’s so irritating because it seems like it should be easy to get over. mind over matter, right? i’ve tried everything short or hypnosis & therapy for it. i consider myself a strong person (as i’m sure you do) so it’s frustrating to let something mental get the best of you. if you figure out the cure please let me know : ) until then, just keep plowing through them girl
January 29, 2008 at 3:48 pm
DG
See how common panic attacks are! I have suffered from them on and off since I was 18 years old. Distraction works for me. Focus on your toes. Curl them, relax them, feel your toes. It has worked for me!
January 29, 2008 at 4:20 pm
Katie
Thanks for sharing. I, too, have suffered from anxiety and was formerly medicated for it. I’ve weened myself off completely now by learning to work through it on my own. It’s a tough thing, but it’s good to hear that someone else has been there.
January 29, 2008 at 4:29 pm
Barb
I have had one anxiety attack that I remember quite vividly… it was a super scary thing indeed! Glad that you have a way of relaxing yourself and catching it before it beats you up
January 29, 2008 at 4:41 pm
bluesunday
I have anxiety attacks, too, and they can be paralyzing at times. Don’t feel exposed, darling - you’re not alone by any means! Finding a way to deal with them is key, and it sounds like you have that down. (((hugs!)))
January 29, 2008 at 4:49 pm
mainlyclearskies
That sounds very scary. I’ve never had an anxiety attack. I’m glad you are aware, and taking steps to help yourself fight them. It’s amazing how beneficial exercise is - in so many ways.
January 29, 2008 at 4:53 pm
Damsel in Digress
you are so strong for figuring out a way to deal with something that you know your body will feel from time to time. i had my first anxiety attack last may - it was probably a culmination from a very difficult winter (including what i wrote about in today’s post) and it was so frightening - mostly because it seemed like no matter how much i told myself to just calm down, i couldn’t. you are seriously amazing for your approach - to accept that your body will feel anxiety attacks but that you also will take control of them and not let them control you.
January 29, 2008 at 5:33 pm
christine
I will never understand why the fates made it such that we would work one after the other instead of side-by-side. What a rockin’ team we three would have made. And I could have gotten to know the amazing miracle that is you in person instead of by blog. Sigh…
January 29, 2008 at 5:41 pm
alyndabear
Fantastic post Molly - you’re not letting them control you, and I think that’s one of the strongest things you can do. My mum had severe panic attacks for YEARS (to the point where she couldn’t drive, go out, anything) and I know what it’s like from that point of view. Vulnerability aside, you write so well.
January 29, 2008 at 5:47 pm
mikesgotnothin
Well, I never saw one of these…and if I did, you had it under control in a big way. Or, would I be right in saying the closest I ever saw you in this way would be pseudo rock climbing?!
January 29, 2008 at 5:51 pm
Lisa
Only once: at an airport going through customs, worrying about missing my flight (I did). They had to call an ambulance. Not an enjoyable experience.
January 29, 2008 at 6:02 pm
Marriage-101
Everyone has something. I get mini panic-attacks when eating something dry and noticing that I don’t have anything to drink nearby. I always panic that I’m going to choke to death. So what happens? My throat closes and I can’t swallow until I get something to drink to ease my paranoia.
January 29, 2008 at 7:50 pm
m
i have a very dear friend who gets crippling panic attacks, usually brought on by major stress (like when we did shows together.) she would hold her breath, claiming she didn’t want to breath anymore. it was really terrifying, but we learned how to talk her down and work through it. it made me feel so lucky that i don’t have to go through that. and good for you that instead of medicating, you are making your life a more healthy, peaceful place to combat this.
January 29, 2008 at 8:15 pm
renae68
I think sometimes, God allows us to go through difficult things so that we can help other people.
You have just helped a lot of people by “exposing” yourself.
And I’ll bet you a double cheeseburger you look better with your little tushy showing than I do!
–r
January 30, 2008 at 12:09 am
erin
I have never had an anxiety attack, but it sounds pretty scary. Kudos to you for stepping out and exposing yourself like that…there is no better place than right here.
January 30, 2008 at 12:10 am
Chelle
Ahhhh yes, the rock climbing adventure were my boss made it to the top and left the rest of us looking like weaklings. If I recall the previous Big Boss didn’t make it to the top… Wonder how far the current Big Boss would get? Now that’s an image sure to drive the anxiety away… (hee-hee).
January 30, 2008 at 4:20 am
brandy
I just started experiencing anxiety attacks for the first time last year. The first one scared me so much I was at the hospital. I’m trying to work on how to prevent them, but I don’t think I’ve nearly as good as you sound. I had no idea the gym worked to help curb attacks… I may have to try that.
January 30, 2008 at 9:53 am
cardiogirl
It seems when someone writes about a topic such as this, others come out of the woodwork to say, Yes, I have experienced that as well. I’m no different than the other commenters. I have had my share of panic attacks, although up until recently, I thought it was just hyperventilating.
I suppose it’s just a label after all. But good for you for exposing yourself. More power to you.
January 30, 2008 at 9:56 am
gibsondog
OH! HUGS!
You are such a strong woman, you know that? I admire your ability to take that burning ball of anxiety and hurdle it out-over-far away from you.
You are a fighter!
Here is a HUG!
January 30, 2008 at 1:39 pm
A Lil' Irish Lass
I love you for writing this post, Molly. I have had one sitting in my inventory entitled, “Welcome To My Panic Attack,” since December 29th. I haven’t had the balls to post it.
I too have suffered with panic attacks, or anxiety attacks, or whatever you want to call them. The name doesn’t matter, they’re horrible. I had my worst one during my LSAT. An exam I was most prepared for, an exam I had rested all my dreams upon, an exam for which I had to cancel my scores because I completely fell to pieces. Ever since then, I’ve had several each year. When I moved in December, I had several that month. I’m so envious of your ability to control them, to some degree at least. I am trying to get there myself, but it’s just so hard.
I applaud the bravery it took to write this post. And then to publish it. Thank you, Molly.
January 30, 2008 at 3:04 pm
Valerie
Panic attacks are the worst. I ran into my garage one time while I was having one because I couldn’t see well enough to park the car.
Not only that, the mailman was there to see the whole thing, including me freaking out. Not fun. *hugs*
January 30, 2008 at 4:28 pm
qu33nbee
You are so strong. My friend has anxiety attacks, and they made her pass out once. They’re so hard to control, but you’re doing a great job.