Leaving work…

“Yay! Work is done. And it stopped raining. Man, I am so over this rain. I’m so excited the sun is out. Too bad the tennis courts are soaked or Jen and I could go play. Oh well, gym it is. I should text her. Gym? No response. She might have fallen asleep on the couch — she does work at the butt crack of dawn. Oh well, she’ll write back soon.”

At the house

“Ooooh what’s this? A package! I love packages. Let’s see…oh! It’s my rehearsal dinner dress. I can’t wait to try it on. Hi, Kodiak. Hi. Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi! Yes, I missed you too. Oh, I know. You’re so cute. OK, hold on, mom has to pee. OK fine, you can come in the bathroom. Must you lie on my feet? Alright, I’m done, let’s go. Stop whining, I need to wash my hands. OK! Outside!”

Outside…

“Ewww wet feet. Hurry, will you? The sun has not dried the lawn yet. La, la, la. Doing your business. OK, let’s walk over here. Wait- wha? Get off of the fence. The neighbor’s dog has no interest in you today. Do you have to poop? Let’s walk over here. La, la, la, do, do,do…good boy! Let’s go inside.”

Back in the house…

“Wait, how does this wrap dress work? Oooh it’s kind of backwards! Arms through the front, wraps in the back? Interesting. But hey, what do you know? It works! No worries about it flapping opening and exposing something. Me likey. But how does it look? Ooooh I love it. Perfect! But wait, the back is a deep V. My bra shows. Mental note: must find different bra. I really like this dress and…UGH. My legs are the color of the dress. Seriously, woman. Break out the self-tanner. ASAP.

No word from Jen yet. She must be asleep. I don’t really feel like leaving the house. I’ll do my video! But wait, the rug is hairy. Thanks, Kodiak. OK, I’ll vacuum the house first. No, stop it. Kodiak! Leave the vacuum alone. I mean it. Go lie down. No, not ON the vacuum. Over there. Go on. Good boy.

Ah, clean house. Time to exercise. Oooh arms are shaking. Love this DVD. Time for push ups. Doesn’t that feel good?  No, you crazy exercise DVD bitch with your perfect arms and flat abs. It does NOT feel good. I can do the first set no problem. The second set, sure. But the third? The crazy third set where you change the counts and make us hold at the top and bottom? HATE. And Kodiak, really.  I am fine. You do not need to lift me up when I’m doing them. Look! Dad is home! Go see your dad.

Hi, I missed you too. How was your day? Dinner? Um…can you order a pizza? Yes, I know I’m exercising as I’m asking you this but hey, the hormones want what the hormones want. Be happy I didn’t ask you to pick up a box of donuts and a bag of crunchy Cheese Doodles.

OK – up into the plank position. Yeah, yeah,  yeah one of the best ab exercises you bitch! 5,4,3,2,1….whew. Time for cool down. Breath in, and ouuuut. And in! And ouuuut.

Huh, I feel pretty good. Guess I’ve got me a date with the bitch tomorrow.

Time to get the pizza? Oh yeeeeah.”

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