I’m not an arguer. Not usually. Often when rude/racist/closed-minded/etc. comments are said around me I tend to ignore them. Not because I don’t care, but because if people really think those things, nothing I’m going to say is going to change them. I don’t agree with them and I certainly don’t condone their comments, but I don’t feel like having a debate that will just go in circles.
But sometimes I can’t keep my mouth shut. Sometimes a comment will get my heart racing and debate or no debate, I can’t stay quiet.
This happened recently, when someone made a comment about the new gay marriage law in California. I didn’t agree with what she was saying, as a matter of fact it was making my blood boil. She went on and on about the law and said, “I just don’t understand why “they” want to get married. Can’t they just stay how they are?”
I was about to say something, but thought better of it because I’ve been in circles with her before. I knew it wasn’t worth it.
But then she went ahead and opened the flood gates: “what do you think?”
What did I think?
“Why do they want to get married? Because they LOVE each other. They love each other and they want to express that in front of their family and friends.”
My heart was racing. You know me, I’m nothing if not passionate about love. I love love. I’d sing a song about it while twirling in a circle if I could.
“No, they want to get married to destroy the family unit.”
I think my head my have exploded. I took a deep breath and said I refuse to get into an argument with her, but let me just say that gay, straight, man, woman — whatever — people do not marry maliciously.
“Some do.”
What could I say? I was done. Luckily a distraction lead us away from the conversation, but I was irritated about it for hours after. Still am.
Here I am, on the verge of getting married to someone I love, entering into the institution of marriage because I can’t imagine spending the rest of my life with anyone else. Because I love him. Because I want to continue our lives together and build a family.
Just like any one else.
Out of love.
Not malice.
I started thinking about this conversation again because yesterday marked 150 days till my wedding day. 150 days until I stand in front of the people closest to me and declare my love forever to one man. Love. Marriage. Love. Marriage.
Seems simple enough to me.
I realize that not everyone reading will agree with me on this topic, and that’s OK. However, any malicious, mean-spirited or bigoted comments will be deleted immediately.
52 comments
Comments feed for this article
May 28, 2008 at 9:50 am
penelope
I agree with you 100%. I think everyone has the right to be happy, in love and married if they so choose. No matter who you love, it’s a right.
I, also, can’t think of one person who get’s married out of malice. Not one. And if they do, maybe they (which would have to straight people since gay people can’t get married in the US) shouldn’t be allowed to get married.
Happiness and Love for all I say.
May 28, 2008 at 9:51 am
Amber
I know exactly what you mean. I don’t argue often. When I do, my heart starts racing, my face gets flushed, and I believe in my argument passionately.
Gay marriage is something I will (and do) argue about.
May 28, 2008 at 10:04 am
Peter
Call me old fashioned, but I thought that people only got married because of pregnancy.
May 28, 2008 at 10:18 am
rosesarepink
Ugh, I know exactly what you mean! I hate ignorant, narrow-minded people! People need to learn to walk in other people’s shoes and maybe then they will understand.
May 28, 2008 at 10:25 am
DevilsHeaven
I highly doubt that the “family unite” will be ruined because of gay marriage. Um, HI? Have you check the stats lately? The family unite is ruining it’s self. That was a stupid arguement on her part and you can tell her I said so!
If her objection is religious based, then say so for cryin out loud! And if it is, then let God be the judge.
May 28, 2008 at 10:31 am
Ashley
i am totally wearing my pride flag shirt and rainbow toe socks to your wedding. and dancing around in a gay love circle.
May 28, 2008 at 10:32 am
bebecrys
Honestly, I know this may sound rash, but I could not be friends with someone like that. My friend Rudy I always talk about? He’s gay. I would love to see him get married to someone. Our other friends that are gay have been together 8 years, own a home together, and want to raise a family. Their engagement story is the cutest thing I’ve ever heard.
And yeah, maybe people used to get married because of pregnancy, but it’s not even like that anymore. In fact, it seems the opposite. People get married, don’t have kids. People have babies, and rather not get married. I don’t see what that has to do with anything at all.
May 28, 2008 at 10:32 am
Valerie
I’ve gotten in arguments with my (very conservative) mother about this. She says that some people will abuse the privilege to marry someone of the same sex so that they can take advantage of government benefits. Um, Mom? People of the OPPOSITE sex can do that as well.
In some strange way, I feel that if gay marriage was allowed in every state, the divorce rate would drop significantly. I also have NOTHING to base this on, but it’s something I like to believe
May 28, 2008 at 10:37 am
kristin
she sounds judgy!
i think, in times like that, it’s safe to shug – who wants to beat their head against a brick wall? – and say, “to each his own.” but she was wrong, on all accounts. marriage out of malice? that’s digging your own grave.
May 28, 2008 at 10:37 am
kristin
i meant *shrug.
May 28, 2008 at 10:40 am
Megan
I know EXACTLY what you mean! I get so hot and bothered when people start talking about this, refusing to see the reality of heterosexual couples being much more damaging to the “family unit” than anyone else, that I often feel like I just might burst. As a Californian, I have to say that that Friday was one of my proudest days.
I was at a wedding recently where the officiant went to great length to say that marriage was “created by God for men and women,” and I just looked at my boyfriend and cringed. Why, on a day that is meant to celebrate love, is anyone trying to say that it only exists for SOME of the population?
May 28, 2008 at 10:40 am
Stacey
I agree with you on the arguing thing. I can’t do it because what you said is right, people who say those things…..are going to think what they think no matter what I say. I will sometimes speak up and make a short comment like, “if you don’t have anything nice to say.”
I have to giggle at Peter’s comment. I recently had a child say to me that people get married for medical reasons. I asked him, what medical reasons? He said, you know, insurance. Oh lord, what is this child learning?
May 28, 2008 at 10:50 am
Dutchess of Kickball
It’s not JUST about love, which in and of itself is enough reason. But men and women have been sharing in the benefits of marriage such as tax breaks and insurance since the dawn of time. Not allowing gay partners to get married and get these benefits just isn’t fair. Homosexuals are not second rate citizens.
Hell, finding love is hard. If you are lucky enough to find it you should be able to celebrate it, man, women, black, white, donkey, human, whatever your thing is, who really cares?
May 28, 2008 at 10:50 am
Jen @ The Cubicle's Backporch
To me, it makes sense… you love someone, you marry them. Yay.
I heard a comedian say “I’m all for gay marriage. Let them be miserable like everyone else.”
hee hee.
May 28, 2008 at 10:51 am
Leah
It really upsets me when people say stuff like that. I live in CA so I don’t here it as often in conversations but I have been keeping track of all sides after the decision. I agree with you, they love each other. Isn’t that the same reason straight couples get married? I’ve never understood why people get so upset about the idea of gay marriage. Two people love each other, they want to spend their lives together. Tell that to anyone and they will be happy for the couple, tell them that the couple is gay and many change their mind. It doesn’t make sense to me. My aunt is gay and has been with her partner for 27 years. They are getting married in a couple of weeks. I cannot wait and I am so excited for them. They have waited so long for this day to come and I don’t see why it should be denied to them simply because they love someone of their own gender.
May 28, 2008 at 10:52 am
littlespoon
UGH! I cannot stand people like that, they also make my blood boil. I wish they could hear how ignorant they sound.
May 28, 2008 at 10:54 am
dreamgrrl
I know it feels good to get this out — and I’m glad you did. I’m proud of you
May 28, 2008 at 10:57 am
sizzle
Whenever someone using the “family unit” argument I want to throw up. It doesn’t look like the heteros are doing that great of job with the whole “family unit” thing anyhow. Why not give someone else a crack at it?
I am pro-gay marriage and am glad you said something.
May 28, 2008 at 11:07 am
Z
Oh how I hear you on all of this. I, too, am a person who tries to avoid confrontation, unless the person who is saying the offensive things really steps over the line. But some issues, and some things, really really bother me. Your conversation? Would have caused me to comment as well. Because none of my friends who will now be able to marry would do so out of malice. The thought would never even cross their minds. They would do so, as you so rightly pointed out, out of love.
May 28, 2008 at 11:12 am
bing
It really bothers me when people are so narrow-minded. Why shouldn’t gay couples be allowed to marry? They are humans just like straight people, and want to be able to show their love and devotion to one another. And gay people ruining the family unit…haha, yeah right! Look at all the straight people who get divorced on a regular basis, marry for money, or cheat on their spouses. Why aren’t people more concerned about that?
In a country where we are all supossed to be “created equal,” we are still very far from that.
May 28, 2008 at 11:16 am
gibsondog
I agree with you 100%!!! People marry when they are in-love and want to make that commitment for eternity. Why should sexual orientation matter? How could anyone pass judgement on love? It just doesn’t make sense to me!!!
In addition, why does this “anti-gay marriage woman” take gay marriages so personally? Why would she think that anyone would deliberately marry the same sex to destroy a family unit? Is she that self-centered? Where does her hatred come from? What is so wrong about loving the same sex? How can that harm a family unit? I’ve seen some pretty nasty and abusive hetrosexual marriages. Doesn’t she think that destroys a family unit?
Sorry for ranting. I get so ANGRY when people state their invalid, useless negativity. Ignorance isn’t bliss. Just makes them sound heartless.
May 28, 2008 at 11:18 am
Viviane
I’d be boiling too, comments like that piss me off to no end. Why would anyone want to get married to piss someone else (their family) off. Your friend would probably never accuse a heterosexual couple of this, so why think a homosexual couple is any different in their reasons for getting married. Argh, if there is one thing I hate it’s narrow-minded people and how they are so judgmental.
May 28, 2008 at 11:25 am
Sara
Molly- you KNOW how I feel about this issue.
In response to Dutchess of Kickball- you are correct, it is not just about love, it is about making major medical decisions for the person you have devoted your life to. It is about not having to go through an additional battery of questioning when you want to bring an abandoned child into a loving home. It is about pursuing your life and your happiness in the same manner as anyone else, without fear or persecution. Our founding fathers (and mothers) would roll over in their graves. Shame on people for trying to use their beliefs to impact someone else’s life.
May 28, 2008 at 11:29 am
Each
Loads of my friends are gay.
I think people can love or hate whatever they want, its why it is called “opinion” but no one has any right to have control over any life and life choice but their own.
Divorce rate is 50% in hetero marriages, its less than half that if even in Homo marriages. In fact the only states that saw a decrease in divorce rate in the past years have been states that have approved gay marriage.
besides, I love gay weddings, talk about an EVENT!
(check this out, http://atheism.about.com/b/a/257902.htm)
May 28, 2008 at 11:57 am
elizabethews
I’m with ya, sistah! Love. Marriage. Bring it on. Whoever you are and whomever you love!
May 28, 2008 at 12:38 pm
Rebekah at EAD
Sometimes it’s very hard for people to understand that the issue isn’t about religion, it is about civil rights. Sometimes quiet, patient dialogue works. Sometimes you have to bash their heads with it.
May 28, 2008 at 12:52 pm
JenBun
I agree with you wholeheartedly. I have had more discussions about this than I’d care to get into, and many of them make my blood boil and head explode as well.
That said, I think you should sing a song about love while twirling in a circle! You know, because you can.
May 28, 2008 at 12:55 pm
Emily
Geez, like gay people are so out to get straight people by having weddings just to “to ruin the family unit”? That doesn’t even make sense! So many straight people get married and don’t even have children or have children and don’t get married. Whatever you want to do it should be your choice and there is no reason gay couples shouldn’t also have that choice. She is dumb, sorry.
May 28, 2008 at 1:32 pm
Wickedly Scarlett
I for one am in complete agreement with you, and I was actually thinking about this yesterday while working in the yard! I don’t understand how this is the 21st century and we are still treating homosexuals as though they are second class citizens. It’s a damn shame, and I am just so happy that slowly, state by state, people are starting to wake up.
May 28, 2008 at 1:46 pm
Michelle & the City
i could not agree with you more. and the thing that angers me the most about it? that the government is even able to get involved. it’s personal preference. they have no business sticking their nose in. what happened between separation of church and state?
May 28, 2008 at 1:49 pm
La Petite Belle
I’m SO glad you spoke up- I proudly support gay marriage, I happen to have 2 gay brothers, in a very conservative family so we allllways have this argument and it just makes my blood boil. I posted a video on my blog last week from the interview with Ellen Degeneres and McCain, it’s interesting because I thought he couldn’t justify his position. It’s like, if you’re going to argue a point, then have valid arguments, and express them E L O Q U E N T L Y…
May 28, 2008 at 1:50 pm
Carrie
I used to work with a girl who was kind of a born-again Christian type. Several years back she brought up the issue of gay marriage and said something along the lines of, “What’s next? People getting married to animals?” WHAT?? Arguments like that make absolutely no sense. We’re talking about PEOPLE here.
I tend to be like you, though, so I just basically ignored her rather than get into an argument at work.
May 28, 2008 at 1:51 pm
La Petite Belle
also I wanted to say that I love Michelle’s post about church/state. If the government has no right in deciding whether a woman carries a baby to term in her womb, why can they decide if 2 people in love should marry? i don’t necessarily agree with the first one, but for goodness’ sake if you’re going to have a rule, apply it to everything, not just to what’s convenient.
May 28, 2008 at 1:53 pm
La Petite Belle
Carrie, I totally agree with you. And it’s not even underage people who cannot make a legally-binding decision, it’s two CONSENTING ADULTS making a personal decision.
May 28, 2008 at 2:04 pm
Lacey Bean
Unforutnately some people just don’t understand that PEOPLE ARE PEOPLE, REGARDLESS OF IF THEY ARE GAY OR STRAIGHT. They want to get married because they are IN LOVE. DONE! Not to ruin the institute of marriage or anything else. I seriously dont understand why people treat this any different than when people of different races or religions get married. Don’t they remember that it used to be a huge fuss when a black person married a white person?? Guess what people – gay people are no different than you, or I.
Ughh, ignorance!! I’m glad you spoke your mind.
May 28, 2008 at 2:38 pm
Kate
Uhm. Okay – so if people believe that SOME gay people are marrying out of malice shouldn’t THAT be the illegal part? Cause I’m pretty positive that SOME straight people marry out of malice…or even just for the tax benefits – isn’t that also outside of the sanctity of marriage?
If so, I agree that marrying out of malice should be illegal – but marrying out of love for ANOTHER HUMAN BEING, never.
May 28, 2008 at 2:47 pm
Anna
I feel lucky to live in a state where it has been legal for a while, it feels like old news, about California, like, of course it should be legal!
May 28, 2008 at 3:37 pm
skinny
what can i say? i’m all for gay marriage, gay couple adoptions, gay couple having exactly the same treatments in every single way heterosexual couple enjoy/suffer.
May 28, 2008 at 4:34 pm
Dani
A side note, but still on topic.
I was watching Ellen the day after the CA ruling and she finally announced that she could get married. To see her face so happy and excited was amazing.
People who do not understand why gay/lesbian marriage is so important don’t deserve to be married themselves. The point is that everyone should have the opportunity if it is what they want. A law should not dictate it.
Good for you for keeping so cool!
May 28, 2008 at 6:41 pm
htmlkod
Whenever someone using the “family unit” argument I want to throw up. It doesn’t look like the heteros are doing that great of job with the whole “family unit” thing anyhow. Why not give someone else a crack at it?
I am pro-gay marriage and am glad you said something.
May 28, 2008 at 8:43 pm
Anonymous Amy
isn’t it ironic that gay marriage topics make me violent? after that *ahem* lady you spoke of in your post…lets call her Stupid…I would have put an elbow in her eye. I’m all pro love for Everyone and the minute those elitist Stupid’s disagree with me, I’m ready to kick ass. i preach love but really–i’ll kill you if you’re against it. =) la la laaaa
May 28, 2008 at 8:43 pm
Meag
Yay! We do agree on something.
May 28, 2008 at 9:51 pm
Ami @ Elizabeth Anne Designs
it breaks my heart when people are so …. ignorant. she is ignorant. and unbelievably cruel.
May 28, 2008 at 10:04 pm
your mom
um……just a faint suspicion, but is the lady concerned with preserving the sanctity of the family unit actually, um, divorced? (gasp!).
May 28, 2008 at 10:12 pm
Cate
Besides voting for legislators who support equal rights for marriage, I showed my support for gay marriage through money. When we got married, every vendor we worked with was asked if they work with same-sex couples. We live near NJ and while civil unions are (unfortunately) not marriages, we chose not to pay anyone who wouldn’t work with a same-sex couple.
May 29, 2008 at 9:15 am
Guilty Secret
Wow. I can’t believe that anyone would believe that anyone else would want to get married as a deliberate attempt to destroy the family unit. That makes no sense. What an eejit. No wonder you were fuming!
May 29, 2008 at 11:19 am
my 2 cents
i believe i’m correct when i state that the people of california voted whether or not this should be allowed in a 2000 special vote. they overwhelmingly voted (65%) that gay marriage should NOT be allowed.
then 4 judges recently overturned the popular vote. call me crazy, but that is not a judge’s place. federally appointed judges should not INTERPRET the law, rather uphold it. Especially when the vast majorty (yes, 65% in a vote is the vast majority) oppose it. i believe their ruling (the judges) will get overturned.
my argument on gay marriage (obviously i’m against it) is this:
should polygamists be able to wed multiple people? no. well, they gay marriage advocates would even agree to this. marriage is an institution between one man and one woman. if two men or two women are allowed to wed, why not a polygamist be able to wed 5 women?
history has shown that when cultures begin to accept and embrace the homosexual culture, that is when they as a people and a country begin to decline precipitously, as proven by the romans and the greeks.
i hope this comment isn’t deleted because you don’t agree with it, rather that some of you who so openly accept something will at least consider these points.
and a side note, the girl you were arguing with made zero valid points and seems to not now her argument/views very well.
May 29, 2008 at 12:09 pm
Ashley
That comment made my blood boil as well. I agree with you 100%. This girl had ABSOLUTELY no valid points, not one. It made her sound incredibly ignorant, if you have an opinion at least have the decency to have some form of argument to back it up besides “Some do.”
I think if two people are in love, no matter their sexual orientation, they should be able to make the decision whether they want to marry or not. It should not be up to the government or the church. Or anyone for that matter outside of the two people wanting to make the commitment.
sigh. I could go on and on. My blood? Boiling as well.
May 29, 2008 at 2:18 pm
tia
you’ve inspired me to write a post about this.
yay gay!
May 29, 2008 at 11:14 pm
Miriam D
Well I agree with you. WHY? Uh, well, WHY NOT? And isn’t divorce destroying the “family unit” too? Give me a break. My blood boils too.
Maybe gay people want the same tax breaks and benefits married people get.
Just saying, you know, if you think being in love isn’t good enough reason for getting married.
April 30, 2009 at 3:59 am
taren
I’ve just read some very valid points, so I can see how what I’m about to say will sound ignorant to some because HOW COULD ANYONE BE AGAINST LOVE?!?! right?
Minus the very small ridiculous part of society, no one is trying to prevent gays from being happy. I love happy people! I wish everyone were more happy.
For those of us who believe homosexuality is a sin (does not mean they are bad people – which one of is hasn’t sinned?) it’s not just about the marriage label – it’s about so much more than that. It’s about what future generations will be taught about what’s okay and what isn’t.
I support equal rights for EVERYBODY, but I will not support a society that sees homosexuality as sanctioned by God.
And I think they girl you referred to in your post was being an idiot. “Some do.” What is that?!?!
April 30, 2009 at 4:01 am
taren
typo – THAT girl, not they girl