Yesterday at the grocery store, a woman came up to Owen and touched his face. Just reached out and touched it. He was sitting in the shopping cart and I know those cheeks are just begging for a squeeze, but it weirded me out.
I posted on Facebook about it and people started commenting. Most felt the same way — that it’s just not cool to touch a stranger’s kid without asking. But when Jenna commented that she thought it was better that the woman touched his face, rather his hands which he would put in his mouth, it got me thinking.
My initial ickiness about it was germs. It’s winter, we were in the grocery store, this woman was a stranger and who knows where her hands have been or what she’s carrying on them. Sure, he’s just as likely to touch something on his own and get sick, but why add another element into the mix that can be avoided? But after Jenna’s comment I began to realize that what really bothered me about it was that it was invasive. Not really invasive for him (although, I guess you could argue that it is), but more invasive to me, the mother.
It goes along the same line as stranger reaching out to touch a pregnant belly. I never liked it when it happened to me, but I didn’t know how to handle it either. Smack their hand away? Ask them not to do it again? Ignore it? (I ended up always ignoring it, smiling and putting my hands over my stomach protectively hoping they wouldn’t do it again.)
I didn’t say anything to the woman, even though it bothered me. I’m not big on confrontation and I knew she wasn’t doing it out of malice, she just wanted to touch the cute baby. People like cute babies, I get it. But by not saying anything, am I making it ok?
Maybe it’s because I just don’t think to touch strangers’ kids. Or if I was going to, I would touch a less personal area…like shake their little foot or tickle their knee. The face? It’s just so…theirs.
So what do you think? Is it ok to touch someone’s baby without permission? Do you? Am I and the other moms who agreed with my Facebook post overreacting?
41 comments
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February 8, 2011 at 8:16 am
Lucy The Valiant
Totally not overreacting! I HATE when people touch my baby’s face. It seems rude and invasive. Those cheeks may be adorable, but they’re going to have to just get their own!
February 8, 2011 at 8:18 am
Gillian
You are not overreacting at all! I once had a strange ask to hold my daughter (she was already reaching for her as she was asking!) I told her I wasn’t comfortable with it and it caused quite an uncomfortable situation. When I was discussing it with my husband he pointed out that we are her protectors and it is our job to defend her against potentially unsafe situations. A cheek grab is not necessarily “unsafe” but being upset by it is just your Mummy protectiveness coming out, as it should!
February 8, 2011 at 8:38 am
mom2lo
There is no reason on earth to touch someone’s baby! It’s as inappropriate as touching a pregnant mother’s belly. How many people do you know who would like it if you randomly touched their face or tummy? It’s just weird and wrong! So what makes it “okay” when it’s a cute baby? NOTHING!
I am a heart mom to a wonderful almost 16-month-old son Chase who was born with a congenital heart defect called Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome. Basically, he is missing the left side of his heart. As you can imagine, what would be a simple cold to most kids could potentially put my son in the hospital on IV fluids and oxygen! So obviously we have to be VERY cautious about exposing our son to germs. This means NO STRANGERS TOUCHING HIM — ANYWHERE — EVER!!! Seriously, their hands and feet are the first things that go into their mouths. So don’t touch!!!
We’ve “trained” family, friends, church folks to touch him on the elbow or knee if they are that determined to physically touch him. But most people just smile and wave. And our close family/friends always sanitize their hands before touching/holding him.
I’m pretty sure I’d be the same way even if Chase didn’t have a special heart. There’s just nothing right about sharing your nasty germs with an innocent little baby!
((stepping down from soap box))
February 8, 2011 at 8:49 am
thedayslikethis
You are not overreacting. Just simply and calmly say “no touching please” and leave it at that. If that hurts someones feelings I wouldn’t worry about it; they are strangers after all! Our jobs as parents mean that we protect our kids not be everyone’s best friend. Taking a protective stance will also show our kids how they too can interact with strangers; politely and cautiously.
February 8, 2011 at 9:14 am
Diana
It is NOT okay to touch someone’s baby without permission!!! I’m pretty lax about people touching my belly (I’m 34 weeks right now) since it’s usually someone I know okay from work or an extended family member, so I’ve seen no reason to say anything. I really don’t like it and would NEVER do it to someone else without permission, but it’s really an invasion of my personal space, not the baby’s. I WILL be speaking up if a stranger tries to or does touch my child without my permission though. I have the choice to say no if someone touches my belly; my child does not have that ability. And to me strangers touching my baby is just plain gross, not to mention invasive and rude. I’m not a huge germaphobe, but you have no idea what that person has been doing or touching or when the last time they washed their hands.
February 8, 2011 at 9:29 am
LKP
I don’t have kids, but I know enough not to touch stranger’s babies! WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE? I even ask friends if it’s okay to hold their babies–just to put their minds at ease. I can’t imagine having the gumption to touch another person’s body, either. Yikes.
February 8, 2011 at 9:36 am
Candice
It is absolutely so NOT cool to touch a baby without permission. We teach our kids not to let strangers touch them, but then let it happen? No way.
That said, I don’t know what I would’ve done either. I get weirded out when people just talk to Nate in the supermarket. Thank god no one’s ever touched him.
February 8, 2011 at 9:45 am
Sara C.
I think it’s creepy. I’ve never understood why people think it’s ok to touch ANYONE without their permission. I certainly would feel weird being the toucher (that sounds bad, but you know what I mean). I can’t imagine a more awkward situation that touching a strangers baby (or belly). How were these people raised that it’s socially acceptable to touch a stranger? Also, as a lawyer I would like to point out that it’s technically a battery and one could sue under these circumstances if one wanted to.
February 8, 2011 at 9:47 am
Erin
You’re right. I think people do it subconsciously. But there’s also something really heartwarming about how babies bring out tenderness in strangers on the street, so much so that they have to reach out and touch them. This photo was on Boing Boing last week: http://www.flickr.com/photos/seanbonner/4863760736/
February 8, 2011 at 9:52 am
Britt
I’m going to go against the crowd here and say that I don’t see anything wrong with it. Perhaps it’s because I don’t have kids, maybe you can blame the Canada thing, I’m not sure but I know lots of people who brush baby cheeks or squeeze baby toes and the mothers seem perfectly content with it. People touch infant’s faces all the time, so why does it change as a 1 year old? Heck, people touch my face! I really don’t think it’s a big deal.
February 8, 2011 at 10:04 am
stealthnerd
Whoa, no! That isn’t cool to touch a baby’s face. If the baby is cute, you wave or play peek-a-boo, you don’t just reach out a touch a stranger’s baby.
February 8, 2011 at 10:35 am
Becky
I think it depends on the situation. That picture on the metro is adorable, but it looks like the baby reached out and grabbed a finger. That’s different than someone coming in close and touching a baby’s face on their own. And I agree that some areas seem more personal. Even though they go straight to their mouths, the hands and feet seem less invasive to me than the face.
All that being said, I never had any problems with strangers touching James. Just the ladies at my work trying to snuggle him to death.
February 8, 2011 at 11:02 am
inspirationfiles
Personal space is a lovely thing. I don’t think you’re overreacting, and I think many people have are in the same conundrum as you when it comes to confronting or just ignoring invasive baby/belly touching. I think you did a great job by accepting, ignoring and moving on!
February 8, 2011 at 11:15 am
lisa
I hate that people feel they can just reach out and touch. On the one hand, it’s kind of nice to see people interacting with one another, it kind of gives me a little bit of faith in humanity. I feel like society is kind of ragey lately, so it’s nice to see how people get all mushy around a baby. Babies are the great equalizer! On the other hand though, you never know someone’s situation. My daughter was born at 32 weeks and RSV is a huge risk for her. A stranger with the sniffles — what they think is nothing but a little cold — could be carrying RSV and if she catches it, it could land her back in the hospital. Possibly even kill her.
To look at her now, you’d never know she was early, but it’s still a concern. So, we just don’t go anywhere. It kinda sucks that we have to keep her quarantined at home because strangers can’t keep their hands to themselves. It would be nice if people asked first, or just leaned over to talk without touching.
February 8, 2011 at 11:25 am
Lacey Bean
Always ask! You wouldn’t reach out and touch another adult without asking, why think it’s ok to touch a child?
February 8, 2011 at 11:48 am
Funny Guy's Wife
I have always found it weird that people touch pregnant women’s bellies, newborn babies, etc. I’ve never been in that situation, but I’ve always wondered what I will do when I become pregnant, and inevitably, a stranger will walk up to me and touch me. Perhaps a “Please don’t,” with THE look.
I don’t find it strange at all that people want to keep their personal space their own.
February 8, 2011 at 12:16 pm
menderz
People touch stranger’s babies? Who does that???
February 8, 2011 at 12:23 pm
Life of a Doctor's Wife
I totally don’t think you are overreacting. I believe (as hippy dippy as it sounds) that our minds and bodies are tuned into a lot of information that we may not understand consciously, so having that reaction might have been a response to some sort of weird creepy baby-stealing vibe this particular woman was putting out. Or not. (I am not a whacko, I swear.)
But… and I’m not really a baby person, so I wouldn’t necessarily ever touch a baby… I can see some people who just adore kids feeling totally normal about squeezing a baby’s foot or chucking him on the cheek. That’s not to say you shouldn’t feel like it’s an invasion of your privacy – O is your baby and you should get to say who interacts with him.
February 8, 2011 at 12:50 pm
Maranda
Please Dont Touch Baby Onsie etc
Problem Solved! LOL they also have “please dont touch my belly” for moms!
February 8, 2011 at 1:08 pm
Lucy
i think this really is a cultural thing… for some, the individual (and therefore the individual’s space, child, etc.) are at a priority, but to others, there is more mixing/sharing of what the other would consider off-limits. Especially in cultures where people believe “it takes a village” to raise a child, the view on parenting is quite different.
You may have read this NYTimes article about traveling with a baby in Southeast Asia: http://travel.nytimes.com/2010/12/19/travel/19journeys-babies.html
I definitely understand the (well placed!) fear for baby snatchers, germs, etc., but also in the right contexts I think allowing well-meaning but ‘strange’ people can help acclimate one’s child to novel, wonderful things. Who knows, it might even strengthen their immunity, too
Good luck with finding your own balance!
February 8, 2011 at 1:38 pm
Erin
I don’t think you’re overreacting. At 37 weeks pregnant I feel very lucky to have managed to avoid strangers touching my belly, and even my close friends have asked first despite that I keep telling them I don’t mind. I have no idea how I’ve managed to avoid being touched by strangers, but I’m really hoping that avoidance passes along to her after she’s born.
If the woman had come up and squeezed his foot, do you think it would bother you as much? I probably wouldn’t be too upset by that, as a parent, but a stranger coming up and touching my baby’s face just seems a little too personal and intimate to me.
February 8, 2011 at 1:39 pm
kalen
Culturally – where I’m from, it’s a sign of affection and harmlessness, and it would be considered rude to tell someone not to touch your baby/belly. I’ve had people kiss Everly’s hands, and that was tough for me (because of germs, not because I felt it was invasive). I try to be respectful and ask before I even really get close to babies, but in Appalachian culture it’s so normal.
February 8, 2011 at 1:42 pm
kalen
PS) Not saying you were ‘wrong’ to feel the way you did, btw. Just explaining that it’s not a big deal to some people because of their background.
Actually, I had no idea it bothered so many people until I started reading about this topic frequently on blogs/message boards. I *get* why it does, I just really never even thought about it because it’s so ingrained in me that it’s just… not a big deal? Idk.
February 8, 2011 at 3:18 pm
Sherry
It’s funny, I was just having this conversation with Eli (my significant other) last night. We’ve had people come up and grab my son’s foot, but never the face. I think I’d be a little weirded out by that. I know Elise mom always touches strangers babies. In her culture you’re suppose to touch them to prevent ‘evil eye.’ you can read about it here : http://www.medicalspanish.com/cultural-topics/mal-de-ojo.html.
But ive noticed a few times I’ve been out with her and she’s touched someones baby and they were really bothered by it. I would never think of touching a strangers baby and being a mother I feel more inclined not to in order to respect the parent.
February 8, 2011 at 3:35 pm
emily
Two things… this lady at the mall came up out of nowhere behind me as I was burping little man and tried to wipe the spit up off his mouth with her hand! I felt someone behind me and literally jumped away. I just looked at her and she kept reaching for him even as I leaned away. She kept saying he has a little spit up and I was like, “yeah, I’ll get it”, “no thank you”… aaahhh.. weird and gross situation.
Then we were eating at a restaurant and this woman whom I don’t really know but have seen in there obviously as our waitress, was like “oh he’s so fussy I’ll take him while you eat” and I said no thanks, she insisted over and over saying it was fine and that she wished that someone would have done that for her when her little girl was a baby.. so I honestly got stuck in the most uncomfortable situation ever. ( he was 4 months old) afterwards she says, “yeah some weird lady once asked me to hold my little girl and I couldn’t believe her nerve”.. What in the world??? Awkward moments that are just really hard to know the correct reaction too:)
February 8, 2011 at 4:30 pm
amanda
I agree, I think it’s inappropriate. This may not be the best comparison, but I don’t go around touching other people’s purses, belongings, etc. because I like them or they’re cute. If you’re not sure how the mother feels about it, I think it’s disrespectful and just shows that the person is completely unaware.
February 8, 2011 at 5:45 pm
Lor
I don’t think it’s offensive at all…A little weird yeah. But overreacting, maybe a little. I wouldn’t have said so, but you asked
February 8, 2011 at 6:17 pm
Sarah
I have to say that I don’t find it offensive when people come up and touch my daughter’s face. I really think that people love babies and it’s just hard to resist chubby cheeks! But, if you find yourself freaking out because someone touched your baby maybe it’s time to practice a “Please don’t touch” speech to ward of future incidents!
February 8, 2011 at 8:30 pm
Jenna
Haha, I’m laughing that I’m the one cited in this because I’m as laid back about germs as a mom could possibly be. People touch my baby all the time and I’ve never at all felt annoyed or like they were invasive. I just like sharing him with the world, you know? When people say he’s so cute I get to smile and nod and take all the credit because I MADE HIM!
February 8, 2011 at 8:44 pm
Aly
It’s personal preference – I guess some people might be ‘used’ to being touchy-feely with babies, and don’t take a second to think that it might not be appropriate in ALL situations. Personally, I wouldn’t ever reach out to someone’s baby unless it was obvious that it was okay – you know?
February 9, 2011 at 1:51 am
Ashlea
I am against the touching, becuase it is an invasion of personal space. But I think not touching something because of germs is really silly. The reason so many kids are sick these days is becuase parents sanitise everything and don’t let their kids do anything without washing, wiping or cleaning.
I let my son explore and get dirty and messy. A lot of parents think I am crazy as he is just 8mo, but he is one of the healthiest babies I know. He is in daycare and has never been sick. So I think building up a resistance to some germs early is a good thing.
February 9, 2011 at 9:24 am
Kathryn
Nope, no, no how. Please do not touch my son. He’s barely three mos old and he has the most pinchable cheeks EVER. But, I do not want some stranger coming up into his personal space. It’s just inappropriate. And I agree, it’s like people thinking they can touch a pregnant woman’s belly. I hated that while I was pregnant. In both cases, for me, it’s very personal. And hell, if you’re going to do it, at least ask . . .
February 9, 2011 at 10:25 am
Jessie's Money
It’s defn. not okay to touch people or kids without permission…. i mean, unless your family – people have no business doing that
February 9, 2011 at 12:05 pm
Kenzie
@Maranda. Those baby onsies are awesome. I just might order some.
I like the ” Look but Dont Touch” LOL. and the “Please dont touch my hands, I still put them in my mouth” Brilliant!
February 9, 2011 at 1:15 pm
Courtney
If this was one of the only offenses of the public, squeezing my kid’s cheeks, I think I would have scurried away quickly and swallowed the awkwardness, but if another kid touches my kid’s face (this happened to Arthur the other week and it freaked me out so we told him to not touch him and he stopped), or if, say, a neighbor who I hardly know pulls down my baby’s blanket while he rides in the stroller to “take a good look” and then asks, if that was OK (ummmm, no, it’s too late to ask permission now!)–that sort of behavior irks me more…people do not get boundaries–even if they mean well!
February 9, 2011 at 6:45 pm
Amber
When my DD was very young, think 1.5mths, she was in the infant carseat and a woman walked up to us and moved her head in the carseat. I just smiled and quickly walked away to find my husband who was on the other side of the store. I don’t like confrontation per se but if something makes me mad I usually say something but then I just ended up being dumbfounded as to why a stranger would do something like that! I agree with you & definitely do NOT think you are overreacting!
February 9, 2011 at 6:46 pm
terra
Maybe this is silly to relate, but to me, it’s like touching someone else’s dog. You don’t do it unless you ask. And it’s even more so with a baby. I mean GERMS! And also, creepiness! She wouldn’t reach out and touch your face, so why would she do it to your baby?
February 9, 2011 at 10:50 pm
Nicole
wow, such an interesting topic. I never really thought about it before and maybe it’s because it hasn’t ever bothered me, touching belly or baby. My daughter is 7 mos old and people are always commenting to us about how adorable and sweet she is and approaching her to smile or give a gentle touch. I’ve always enjoyed watching her interact with people and I have to say, she is really easygoing with new people and never acts shy or scared when we introduce her to anyone. I also feel that a baby’s immune system gets developed by being introduced to the germs that are out there, so I don’t get freaked out by that issue.
February 10, 2011 at 1:45 pm
Keri
I came across this the other day after reading this post. =)
http://touchytags.com/
February 13, 2011 at 11:29 am
Kt
I would be weirded out if a stranger touched my baby without asking. I don’t mind strangers petting our dog, but dogs are meant for that.
March 19, 2011 at 5:09 pm
Brenda
I actually remember being about 2 and having a flight attendant touch my cheeks on a plane. I was PISSED and it wasn’t welcome to me at all! So I am for not touching strangers on the face- even if they’re babies!