There is no perfect way to parent. Sometimes I want to shout that from the rooftops. THERE IS NO PERFECT WAY TO PARENT! You just have to do your best, you know? And most likely, you’re going to screw up a few times. You’ll bump their head while putting them in the car seat, or not realize they’ve been sleeping in soaked jammies from a full diaper. You’ll mis-understand their cries as whining, when they’re really hungry and just wait until they get older and you have to teach them life lessons. Whoa boy, does that leave a ton of room to screw up, I’m sure.
But the thing is, you figure it out. And you become the best parent you can be. It’s probably not the same type of parent your parents were, but if you’re lucky and you had good ones like I do, you have some great examples to follow.
I’ve found that sometimes I have to defend my parenting choices to people. Giving reasons for why I’m feeding him (or NOT feeding him) certain foods, explaining my reasons for the way I deal with night wakings or why I put Elmo’s World on YouTube during a screaming fit on a three-hour car ride. Most of the time I respond in a light, laughing manner when questioned because, why argue? It’s not their kid. But other times I feel like I really have to stand up for my choices.
Case in point: extended breastfeeding. Owen will be 11 months old next weekend and he’s still nursing like a champ. I had hoped to nurse him to a year to give him as much nutritional and developmental benefits from it as I could, and it looks like we will meet this goal. He’s always been a big nurser, both for food and for comfort, and up until recently, I really saw no end in sight for our breastfeeding relationship. The kid likes the boob.
Over the last month or so, however, I’ve noticed him slowly decreasing his time nursing, and today we’ve arrived at about a four times a day schedule. He nurses first thing in the morning, before both naps and again before bed. Sometimes there’s one or more sessions thrown in during the day depending on what’s going on (maybe he falls during a standing attempt and needs comfort, or whatever), and if he wakes at night I nurse him back down. He always lets me know if he wants to by grabbing at my shirt,rubbing his head on my chest, or pointing at my breast and saying with a laugh and a smile, “AH!!”
For us, 4-5 times a day is a major decrease. But to others, apparently this is shocking. You wouldn’t believe how many people have expressed surprise…and then concern!…when I tell them that he’s still nursing that often. “Four times a day? That’s a lot for almost a year!”
Says who?
I’ve read a lot about breastfeeding past a year and the decision of whether to wean or not. I understand and agree with points on both sides of the fence. I’m not totally ready to wean. As a matter of fact, on Mother’s Day, he refused my breast and wanted to be rocked to sleep instead. It was a little step of independence that left me dripping tears onto the top of his head, but in the end, it was what he wanted and it worked just fine. Sometimes he still does that, and other times he still nurses.
While I’m not TOTALLY ready to wean, I’m getting there. He has teeth now that often pinch and leave indentations on my areola (OW). He gets distracted and pulls off to look around or play with things. It makes it difficult for others to put him down for naps because he is so accustomed to our routine. My period has also yet to return, and while I’m not anxiously awaiting its arrival, I’m slowly starting to get the itch for another baby and would like to have a few cycles under my belt before we go down that road so I see how my cycle acts post-baby.
I’m letting him lead the way, and kind of using a “don’t offer, don’t refuse” nursing tactic that is common for weaning. If he wants to, he can, always.
So that’s what we’re doing. And it works for us. It’s not weird, it’s not abnormal, it’s just fine. Maybe I should refer people to this post when they express shock and concern over my baby still nursing, hmm? I know there are years ahead of us where people will question our parenting and I should just prepare myself for it, even though I can’t see how it’s anyone else’s business but ours. But I will also be less quick to judge other parent’s choices, that’s for sure!
25 comments
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May 23, 2011 at 12:08 pm
teachergirl
i applaud you, both for your decision and for your attitude about parenting. i’m the new mom of an almost 7 week baby girl, and i have had a ROUGH time with breastfeeding (no supply, basically = pumping to try to get as much as i could, and only really being able to handle that for about 6 weeks). i so wish i was in your shoes, and i don’t say that to be all snarky, but just to say that you are blessed to have the opportunity to breastfeed, and it sounds like you are taking owen’s cues beautifully. i think that’s the hardest part i’m learning so far–to take the baby’s cues instead of my own ideas about schedules.
but i didn’t want to comment to say just that. i just wanted to say that it’s SO hard to handle other people’s comments about how each of us is parenting. it’s still hard for me. i feel judgment at times, especially about breastfeeding, because i am a part of a community that almost exclusively breast feeds. to do anything else is abnormal, and though i would have given anything to breast feed my baby exclusively, circumstances are what they are. but one of the things that has helped me the most, with this and lots of other little things, is to realize that we are the parents. we know our baby, and we know what’s best for her. we will have the inspiration and guidance to make wise and good decisions for her, and we have to trust those.
and we have to roll our eyes a little inside and smile and nod on the outside to those who think that they have the right to comment. (WHY do they think they do?)
anyways–superlong and confessiony post with the idea of just saying: Bravo to you. keep it up. there are a lot of out here who think you’re doing an extraordinary job. we just are the quiet majority.
May 23, 2011 at 12:18 pm
Candice
Beautiful post. People are just ridiculous about breastfeeding. It is one of the best things you can do for your baby – why criticize it? And, really, it’s how nature intended our babies to be fed so why question the parent about the frequency/length/etc when it’s simply what has naturally progressed? I might question some parenting decisions sometimes (okay, I definitely do) but I never ask the parents themselves – I just wonder about it to myself.
And I like the way you describe your weaning process – don’t offer, don’t refuse. It sounds peaceful and natural and perfect. I hope the process goes well for you.
May 23, 2011 at 12:25 pm
Courtney
Arthur is 10 months old and I nurse him 6x a day. You go, girl. WHO suggests nursing for 2 years! Not sure I’ll be in that boat, but no one should be making you feel bad about nursing for any amount of time, period.
May 23, 2011 at 12:30 pm
Megan
You are so right! Everyone loves to give their 2 cents. I have a 9 month old little guy, and he loves the boob, too.
We’ve had a couple times of him refusing, and it breaks my heart too. My daughter self-weaned at 13 months, and she was close to Owen’s age when she started doing the sorts of things he’s doing. She eventually got down to 1 feeding before going to sleep at night, and one night, she just fussed at the breast until I just rocked her to sleep. Something in me knew in that moment that it was the last time, and I was right. I cried… it was such a weird feeling. Who knew?? Anyhow, congrats on making it this long – such an awesome gift for Mr. Owen! 
Hope it goes well and easily for both of ya!
May 23, 2011 at 12:37 pm
schmei
I’m getting pressure from the opposite end of the spectrum, to such a degree that when I saw “extended breastfeeding” and then “11 months”, I was confused. “Extended”, to the people who are lecturing me, is, like, beyond age 3. I actually had someone tell me that women who don’t breastfeed their children past age two are “quitters”. Huh?
Fortunately, my mom and I do see eye-to-eye on feeding babies. “Don’t offer, don’t refuse” is how she let us wean ourselves, and all three of her kids quietly weaned at about eighteen months. I always thought that made her a breastfeeding champ, but I guess it really made her a quitter.
There’s no winning with some people.
May 23, 2011 at 12:46 pm
Molly
That’s interesting…I guess I always considered “Extended” to be past the “norm” of a year, but you are right. I frequent and participate in some online breastfeeding groups and they general idea of extending bfing is usually closer to 2+ years.
May 23, 2011 at 12:42 pm
Erin
I love your attitude. I agree that everyone always has to offer their opinion, especially on things that are no one’s business but yours.
I had planned to nurse through my son’s first year (he is 10 weeks older the Owen), but he started self weaning (nursed when he woke in the morning, before naps, and before bed at night) at 7 months. By 9 months, he was done. I followed the same approach of “Don’t offer, don’t refuse”, and I felt sad when he made it clear he was just FINE without nursing, thank you very much.
I applaud your parenting approach, and your attitude about everyone else’s opinions. No one knows your baby or what is best for him better than you.
Thank you, as always, for sharing something so personal, and in such a beautiful way.
Like a previous poster mentioned, you have a big fan base, quietly applauding you.
May 23, 2011 at 12:45 pm
Becky
James is still nursing at 15 months, and he only nurses about 4 times per day when I’m home with him (I work outside the home full time). I stopped pumping at a year, but I agree with you; I’m letting him choose when we wean. He still nurses at night a couple times, but that’s decreased too.
Just like anything else; as long as he and you are happy and he’s growing, it’s no one else’s business!
I haven’t gotten many looks, but my MIL does make comments about “Momma’s going to take that away from you, James,” to him when I nurse him. Um. No. I’m not. I don’t think she means to be so unsupportive; when she had kids people didn’t expect you to nurse them at all. That’s what formula is for! But it still hurts.
May 23, 2011 at 1:21 pm
Aly
The only thing that surprises me about this post is that little O is going to be 11 months old next weekend! Weren’t you just blogging about getting engaged?
As for breast feeding, I only have fur babies, so I have no idea. But I applaud you for being you and to heck with what other people say. They are probably just mad that their babies do not have delicious cheeks like O!
May 23, 2011 at 1:39 pm
missmitten
that sounds so frustrating. i would just stop talking about it, honestly. you do not need to defend your choices since you and michael are happy with your parenting and owen is doing just fine. i would totally opt out of those conversations…sounds like a convo about religion…no good can come of it!
May 23, 2011 at 1:43 pm
emily
Great post! I haven’t really had any comments yet, Jude is 9 1/2 months. I think when we are done is for he and I to decide NO ONE else. I have had comments like “you aren’t going to be one of those weird moms that bf past a year are you?” So inappropriate, we will do what we want!!! He is so healthy and I think that speaks for itself:)
May 23, 2011 at 1:50 pm
AlottaLettuce
I’m pretty sure that I’m the kind of person who people perceive as being nosy and/or judgmental when it comes to this sort of thing, because I definitely ask A LOT of questions. But I swear to god, 99% of that is motivated by nothing more than curiosity. While I certainly do care about the choices my loved ones make in regards to how they parent – after all, I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t care – I don’t begrudge them those choices, because they’re theirs to make.
That said, I DO love learning about the reasoning behind those choices and often ask questions that cause people to get their back up – assuming that they’re being judged, when in reality, all I’m trying to do is learn something, because if and when I have children of my own, I’d prefer to look to the experiences of loved ones for guidance than books by so-called experts and strangers on the internet, ya know?
May 23, 2011 at 3:24 pm
Mel@MySunshine
Way to go! I’m a working mama and I was only able to nurse for 7 months but I had people telling me to throw in the towel and it’s an awful feeling to have to defend your decisions to forge ahead on something that’s important to you.
I’m already having to defend my interest in homeschooling. Being judged and given the raised eyebrow has made it important to me to NOT judge other parents. We all do what works best for US.
Good for you!
May 23, 2011 at 3:32 pm
laura
I thought 1 year was the “minimum ” you’re supposed to try for? Shows what I know. But every baby is different, every mom is different and every circumstance is different. I applaud you for this post and for your attitude with all this. People are very judgemental but they aren’t your babies mom, so screw em.
hugs!
May 23, 2011 at 8:01 pm
anna
I think it’s so strange that anyone has an opinion on how another mother chooses to breastfeed. My son is 13 months and we’re at 4 feedings a day. I don’t know if it’s because of the liberal community I live in, but I have never had anyone question my decision to bf (and do so past a year). We may wean soon, my O is showing signs that he may be headed that direction, but I have no desire to push him either direction. I love our bf relationship and see no reason to close that door before he’s ready.
May 23, 2011 at 8:48 pm
Kathryn
Part of me wishes I could have nursed longer than the amount of time that I actually did. But once solid foods started around 4.5 months, my little man weaned himself. I so wasn’t ready, but apparently he was. My goal was to make it to a year, but alas, I was foiled. But I kept it going for as long he wanted to nurse. And yes, some times it was need and others it was comfort and I was okay with that. I do miss that time, though.
May 23, 2011 at 8:59 pm
Lindsey
I identify with this post in so many ways — my son Jacob is just over 8 months and we’re in a wonderful routine that sounds quite similar to yours with Owen. Breastfeeding is an absolutely wonderful experience and I feel very lucky to have great milk supply and a baby who responds well to nursing.
You are so right about an individual’s right to choose how to parent. It shocks me when people add that judgemental tone to a comment or question. Who do they really think they are? The relationship between a mother and her baby is so deeply personal. One of the best things I did as a new mum was to trust my instincts from day one. Sure, I’m not always right, and I do things differently than lots of other people would, but I have to trust myself. Parenting comes with so many unknowns, so what we need to know for sure is that we will always do what we feel is best for our children.
Very well said, Molly! Thanks for writing this post!
May 24, 2011 at 4:42 am
Kez
Good post – well written
I am an expert on nothing you’ve mentioned, but I am in my second trimester of pregnancy (only just) and am slowly beginning to realise how opinionated people can be.
You’re trusting your instincts and that’s all any of us can do! At the end of the day you have his best interests at heart and that’s all that matters.
xo
May 24, 2011 at 8:22 am
Renee
Well done and i applaud you for continuing to breastfeed your son. As others have noted, the WHO recommends breastfeeding for a minimum of two years for the optimal health and nutrition of the child. I think people also don’t realise that it is more than just providing nutrition to your baby, it’s also a time to bond with and nurture your baby. Ignore people if they are being judgmental. It’s none of their business. I have a 7 month old daughter who loves the boob. I recently returned back to work and had to negotiate hard to continue to breastfeed her during work hours ( I travel to her day care twice a day to feed her). One comment that i got from the HR lady was ‘you do know that babies get teeth don’t you?’, with the implication being that i probably wouldn’t commit to my breastfeeding plan for long. I know she was trying to be funnny and make a joke, but it really just came across as uninformed and obnoxious. My point to this story is that some people really don’t have the faintest idea about the breastfeeding relationship between a mother and child…and therefore they make silly comments which can put you off. It’s best not to listen to them and just do what you want to do. It sounds like you are doing just fine and keep up the good work
May 24, 2011 at 1:04 pm
LSM
I’m surprised to hear you are getting criticism for your breastfeeding practices before Owen is even a year old. That’s the minimum recommendation of nursing time out there, with two years being another one as someone already mentioned. Also, four times per day doesn’t seem excessive at all. I only made it past a year with one of my children, but he was still nursing three to four times per day when he started the weaning process at 14 months. I was working outside the home by that time (teaching), so on work days he nursed morning, afternoon, and before bed and when I was home we threw in a mid-day session as well. I’m all for the “don’t offer, don’t refuse” approach once they are past a year unless there’s a reason for faster weaning. And, I don’t think of breastfeeding as “extended” unless it goes past the two-year mark.
May 25, 2011 at 7:22 am
zoey
I weaned my first one at 18 months because she was starting to bite and that indicated the end of it for me. The second baby weaned at about 22 months, but she wasn’t nursing all the time, it was just a comfort thing and she grew out of it. Of course they were both getting their nourishment from food. I don’t consider what you are doing “extended” at his age. Not nursing as frequently does not mean ending it either. He doesn’t need the nourishment at this point, it is probably more of a comfort thing for both of you.
May 25, 2011 at 9:29 am
Sarah
Sending you a internet high-five. Great post! I nursed my son until 16 months when he self weaned and totally understand how you are feeling. It drives me a little nuts feeling like I have to constantly justify my “tactics” as a new mom. Bottom line is only you know what is best for your baby and our critics can take their ugly comments elsewhere!
May 27, 2011 at 3:38 pm
Heather (Laptops to Lullabies)
Fantastic post! My friend Lindsey (like a hamster on a wheel) told me about it, and I had to come read it for myself. I’m in exactly the same spot right now with my 11-month-old son, and I’m always surprised by how judge-y people get about breastfeeding in the latter half of the first year.
June 3, 2011 at 10:48 am
Sascha
People are weird about boobs. Even my pediatrician kind of looked surprised when he found out my 22 month old was still nursing. Although if you asked me 22 months ago if I would be nursing for the next two years I would have given the same look. Now I just don’t tell anyone.
June 4, 2011 at 6:43 pm
Cassie
This made me feel so much better, my little one is nine months and he still nurses quite a bit. I’ve been looking for someone to tell me how much he should nurse and when to add bottles etc but what you’re saying about each baby being different is so right. Thank you!