When I lost my job in public relations it felt awful. I left a job and people I loved in the not-for-profit world for one in consumer electronics because I thought it would advance me in my career. It was close to home and paid much more than I was making, and so, after much back and forth, I took it.
The problem was, I wasn’t very good at the new job. The passion I held for the museum I left could not be replicated in the consumer world. I felt timid and confused and spent a better part of a year hoping to not be put on the spot, afraid it would reveal the truth.
Despite all that, getting fired was terrible. Although a part of me felt relief that I could just go, I still felt awful about my performance. It wasn’t the right job for me, but it was still my job. I should have worked harder. Done better.
My current gig is one I am passionate about. Being a mother brings me both joy and a sense of accomplishment. I’m good at this job, most of the time.
Lately, though, I feel like I’m slipping into the failing zone, and while no one can hand me a pink slip, I’m still aware I need to do better.
Two and a half is a challenging age. Owen argues with me, is defiant and fresh. He refuses to nap, pushes boundaries and tells me “no” all day long. At 6 months, Ryan is a happy little thing, until he’s not. Lately I spend my days more frustrated than happy. I feel burdened and unappreciated by my two small people. I am grumpy and annoyed easily and on top of that, I yell.
I could hear myself yelling more than I should, but when Owen called me out on it, I knew it had to stop. After getting out of bed AGAIN to go potty (he knows he can get out of bed for that), I snapped that it was ENOUGH.
“Why are you yelling at me, Mommy?” He asked.
“I’m not, bud,” I said, backtracking.
“Well, you were…”
Ouch.
I’m afraid that I’m so caught up in the endless minutiae of the every day, that I am missing the good stuff. I don’t want to miss a funny quote or a big cheesy grin because I’m mad that I tripped over a stray toy for the 10th time. I don’t want my kids to remember me as a grumpy mommy who yelled over nothing. I want my words and tone to mean something.
I don’t like the mother I’ve been lately, but unlike my previous job, I’m going to do something about it. I need to take a deep breath, calm my blood pressure and start a new. One day my house will stay clean and no one will be fighting me over a nap, but that also means my babies will have left the nest. I need to focus more on the now and appreciate this time while they are still little.
And so, I have an opportunity to change the way things are. This time I can, I WILL, do better.
At least you can have an occasional drink at this job.
(He’s laughing at me. I lose.)
15 comments
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January 23, 2013 at 2:00 pm
CandiceBP
Great, brave post. I’ve been reading your blog since you were still employed (and it’s crazy now to think how long that’s been!) and I sometimes wonder what you think about then and now, working and not, etc.
2 1/2 is challenging and I’m told 3 is only worse because they have better logic (great…). But those bright moments – lines, actions, smiles – truly do make it all worth it. I struggle, too, with the minutia of the day and the weight it drags down. Some days you slip under, some days you rise above. You just keep trying to stay up (sometimes with help in a wine glass, lol).
January 23, 2013 at 2:35 pm
Carys
This is a great post and, I think, reflects what mums, the world over feel like everyday. My son just turned 3 and the no-nap and talking back phase is in full force and very tiring. I can not imagine this phase with another little one so I am incredibly impressed at your ability to 1) do it at all and 2) be able to reflect on how you want to do it better. Well done you.
January 23, 2013 at 3:42 pm
Catherine
Parenting is, hands down, the most humbling job in the world. Love this post! In my (very, very limited) experience, 3 is indeed worse than 2 1/2. BUT, now that my older boy is closing in on 4, it’s finally getting easier. So hang in there, and cut yourself some slack! I think it’s ok to be annoyed once in a while, and for our children to sense that, so long as it’s about something legitimate. I do want my son to understand that when he intentionally misbehaves, it makes me very sad. He’s empathetic enough at this age to understand and want to correct that behavior.
And when all else fails, I have another drink
January 23, 2013 at 4:02 pm
Heather (Laptops to Lullabies)
I feel exactly the same right now, with my 2.5-year-old and my eight-month-old. I think what we really need is breaks, like a real job has. Real jobs give you lots of down-time that you just don’t get at home.
January 23, 2013 at 4:07 pm
Kathy McGraw Betts
OMG! You have described my life! I have a 2 1/2 yr old and a 1 yr old. I’m with you and I feel every word you type and agree that I need to take a breath, a step back and try to enjoy the moments more!
It’s hard, but that just means we need to work harder. We’ll get there! (thanks for being honest! It take a strong woman to admit you don’t feel like you’re doing well. I wasn’t strong enough until now. Thanks for the nudge!)
January 23, 2013 at 7:45 pm
teachergirl
Amen. I have a highly verbal 22 month old and a 5 month old and most days feel like i’m this close to a trip to the looney bin. Today, as I was yelling at my daughter to stop her toddler shrieking (which she seems to think is hilarious, even though it is maddening), i realized “irony. that’s some.”
As I was angry that she wasn’t taking a nap (again), she began saying “Mommy is so sweet. Mommy is so fun.” And I was cut to the core.
I want to do all I can to live up to her rose-colored vision of me. I know too soon it will be replaced by all manner of eye rolling. I don’t want her to not believe in me now.
Thank you for being honest. Motherhood is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Most of the time, I’m not sure I’m doing anything right, except that I keep trying to be better. Sometimes I think that’s the best indicator that maybe I’m not a class A screwup.
January 24, 2013 at 10:53 am
Jimmy
I wrote about this exact feeling very recently. Like a week ago I think. In fact, I think I’ve written about this exact situation so many times recently that I couldn’t decide which post to link to. I’m settling on this one: http://www.thebookofjimmy.com/bluff-called/, but the theme is recurring.
My kids are about the same spread as yours (Son: 2 years and 3 months, Daughter: 6 months). And I feel your pain. Every single word, right down to the six month old who is happy until she is not. Like right now. I need to go change a diaper, and everyone is sick, and the fifteen minutes I spent outside in the snow this morning was the most time the three of us have been outside all week.
Great post.
January 24, 2013 at 11:36 am
Audrey
Thank you for this. I work full-time, I am six months pregnant, and I have two kids. I have lately been feeling like a complete failure as a mom and, while I’m sure the behavior of my girls is totally normal, I can’t handle it right now, making me feel more of a failure. The other night I wondered why I thought three would be a good idea. Then the moments we have that are good are soooo good that I remember THIS is why I love being a mom, why I wanted to add a third, etc, etc. It’s so nice to hear that other moms don’t have it all together, too.
And I can’t wait until I can have a drink at the end of a long day – good for you for taking advantage, even if that wee one is laughing at you!
January 24, 2013 at 2:35 pm
Chris
Charlie is 16 months and already using NO and being defiant. It’s SO tiring and I often feel like I do more yelling than hugging. It’s such a fine line. You’re doing a great job mama.
January 24, 2013 at 4:58 pm
Hilary
Most sincere and beautiful post yet. As a fellow mama to an almost 9-month little bundle of squishableness (definitely a easier age than 2.5), I hear you. We can always do better and I think it is important to try, for our kids, but also for what you said… so we can proud of a job well done. That said, I wouldn´t beat yourself up too much about it. Being a mommy is exhausting and everybody has a right to lose their temper now and then.
January 25, 2013 at 4:56 pm
Darci
Yes. I only have one but can completely understand all of these feelings. I hate the way I feel at the end of a long day when I know I’ve been short with Em. Or when I hear her tell the dog “no, no!” because I said the same thing to her a few hours earlier as she was about to take a swan dive off the dining room table. Hang in there, mama. Even realizing that you want to try and enjoy all the little moments more means you’re doing it all exactly right. It’s truly the hardest job in the world.
January 25, 2013 at 5:17 pm
coleen
i’m not sure if i ever commented before, but i feel you; i only have the three year old, but he is torture, and i was working part time until about ten months ago, so it’s even ‘newer’ to be home all the damn time. i find the yelling to be ineffective but prevalent, and i hope we can find a collective way to curb it! i used to read alot more when i was working, but i try to check in once in awhile and it sounds like you’re doing great! hang in there…
January 28, 2013 at 8:19 am
Barbara
Sometimes I really feel as if we are on the same wavelength… My little man will be turning 3 in about 3 weeks….totally challenging me at every step… loves to say “NEVER!” thanks to Jake and the pirates…. and refuses to even think about potty training yet…. UGH! Then I have his little sister who just turned 9 months… and is trying to do everything her big brother does… which makes me want to pull all my hair out. I go to work 3 times a week and sometimes feel guilty about how happy I am to go there on Mondays…especially after a trying weekend… But you are right…these times pass so quickly and I don’t want them to remember me as the irritable mom who kept looking at the clock thinking…”is it 7:30 pm yet?” I want to savor every moment of “mom..can you sit next to me on the couch?”..before it turns into..”mom…don’t hug me in front of my friends!”
I am trying to have more patience although it’s tough..we will be fine… Being a mom is one of the toughest jobs to have..but also the most rewarding!
January 28, 2013 at 11:09 am
Molly
These posts make me feel so good and normal! Thank god there are other people validating the challenges. My daughter turned 4 yesterday and our days lately have become totally magical. The two year old is still a two year old, sigh, and three was, as everyone else has said, “trying,” (glass of wine at four pm anyone, trying) but so far age 4 is making it all seem worth it. She’s actually becoming, dare I say, knock on wood, REASONABLE, while still adorable and snuggly and full of marvelous conversations. Hang in there!
February 11, 2013 at 11:58 am
Erin
I’m not a mom, but I still loved and appreciated this. I love my job, but there are days I feel uninspired and overwhelmed. So, I slack off for a day thinking it will help me get back in the game. But it doesn’t and that day turns into two days or more. I think it’s important to take the time to reevaluate your situation so you can improve it. Your boys are adorable. Enjoy the moments, both good and bad.