Makes My Feet Hurt: KLC Edition

Hey guys, it’s KLC from kwarterlifecrisis. As you know, Molly’s in Vegas so for today you’re stuck with me. (And I also consequently get the weekend! For the record, other guest posters, she must totally like me best.)

This whole guest posting thing is new to me as this is my first time to do it. It’s been an interesting process and I relate the whole thing to the experience of college. At first, you’re super excited and all the possibilities are so alluring and shiny and then you get there and get settled in and you’re like ‘crap, this is gonna be tougher than I thought. I want my mom.’ Guest posting is the same way. At first, I was all ‘Molly likes me! And she has soooo many readers! Yay!’ and then as this day grew closer and closer, I became all ‘what in the hell am I gonna write about? I want my mom.’

I frantically emailed Clink yesterday and told her that I felt like I was having that nightmare where it’s finals week and I just found out I was enrolled in a class I hadn’t gone to all semester long and the final is tomorrow. I also asked her for any suggestions. She emailed back that she stressed out about what to write here too. She was also really helpful and told me that when she was deciding what to write about she asked herself what Molly’s readers wanted to read about.

I scrolled through some of Molly’s old posts and thought of topics. Weddings? Umm don’t exactly have one of those in the works yet, thankyouverymuch. Hair? I have no idea how she gets hers so perfect. Mine’s a curly mess most days. Dogs? Nope, unfortunately don’t have one of those yet either.

And then it hit me. What is the one noun that you think of when you think of Molly?

SHOES.

I may not yet have a fiance or awesome hair or a dog, but dammit, I’ve got shoes.

One of my favorite shoe things that Molly does is her ‘Makes My Feet Hurt’ posts. Instead of pulling pictures off the internet though, I decided to put my own spin on it and pull actual (albeit very old and not at all recently worn) shoes from my closet. Please don’t dump me as a friend based on some poor footwear decisions in the past. I promise that today I am wearing super cute and fashionable leopard print stilettos.

Anyway, here goes nothin’.

Flip flops with a twist! And by ‘twist’, I mean 3-inch plastic platform and wide foam straps. The geometric red and cream patterns and the faded red foam straps make this shoe compatible with a whopping total of two outfits: a white shirt and jeans and a white shirt and jean shorts. And even then you’ll still be a fashion disaster.

The general idea of these shoes isn’t bad, but they’re what my mom would refer to as ‘clod-hoppers’ because they are clonky. The side of the box should read ‘guaranteed to make your feet appear two sizes larger and your legs appear six inches shorter!’

Actually, no, I wasn’t born in the 70’s and I never went to Woodstock. I also never wore long flow-y tie-dyed skirts or smoked weed on a regular basis though these shoes might have you believe otherwise. And on another note, I’m almost willing to bet money that some other unfortunate girl who had these same shoes broke her ankle while wearing them. Let’s just say that those leather ankle straps aren’t the sturdiest or most supportive and when one’s feet get sweaty and slip around, it’s pretty easy to fall off that massive suede platform and bloody one’s ankles. Not that I would know.

Nope, your eyes are not deceiving you. These really are hula-girl themed flip flops. Complete with grass-skirt-like trim wrapped around each one. They’re perfect for any barbecue or luau because you’ve already brought the party – on your feet!

I think if they ever created the movie Ariel using real people that whoever was in charge of wardrobe would want these for when Ursula becomes a human. They totally scream evil aqua marine mermaid/octopus creature turned human. And depending on if you wear them with anything other than pants, they also kind of scream street walker. Like, maybe whoever was in charge of wardrobe for Pretty Woman should have searched a little harder and found these lovely shiny blue gems.

Sigh. My poor, poor feet. You live and you learn though, right?

( Disclaimer: None of these have graced my feet in at least five… okay, maybe four years. Somehow though, they all came with me when I switched cities (and states) after college. You should see the shoes that DIDN’T make the cut and now are either sitting in a Goodwill store somewhere or residing at my mom’s house. Yikes, right? I cringe just thinking about them. And also, Molly, I swear if you ever come to visit, I will rid my apartment of these shoes before you step foot off the plane. Promise.)