Hi everyone! La, here, from The New Fanny. The lovely Molly asked me to fill in for her whilst she is off gallivanting in Sin City, and before I begin? I must reveal how much I sincerely just love the crap out of Molly. Not only is she gorgeous, with hair to die for, but she is smart and funny and sensitive and supportive, and just a wonderful, wonderful friend. She is my shoe soul sister – and god help us if we ever get together and go shoe shopping, because not only does she love shoes just as much as I do? We even have the same exact pair. I was going to honor my time here by posting pictures of all my shoes, but the wonderful KLC beat me to the punch. So I decided, once again, to get a little personal.
For those of you who don’t know me, in a nutshell, I’ve been going through a very difficult time lately. I was living with a man whom I’d been with for almost six years. We recently got engaged, had an engagement party, started planning the wedding, and I purchased my wedding dress. Then, out of nowhere, he decided to leave me. Five months before the wedding. At first, he claimed it was not a permanent thing – he said he just needed time to figure things out. But what it was all along? And what I never, not in a million years, expected it to be? Was the fact that he had been cheating on me for the past three months with a woman I know, who he is now convinced that he is in love with. Sufficed to say, the relationship is over. This post is not going to be about the heartbreak that I’ve suffered, or the disgust and self-doubt I’ve been through, but rather looking positively towards my future, and the fact that I have to start over. That I get to start over.
Dating is a scary thing. Dating is something that, day in and day out, my ex and I used to discuss and literally brush our brow and heave an emphatic “phew”, because we never had to go through it again. Or so I thought. And when my relationship first ended with him, I couldn’t even fathom the thought of being intimate with anyone else – to me, it would almost feel like cheating. Physically or emotionally. I just couldn’t see being with anyone ever again. And when I thought about what I wanted in my next mate? All I could come up with was a running tally of my ex’s better qualities. I was destined for failure.
But then, I started getting out of bed. And changing my pajamas, and my heart became less heavy, and I started thinking about the fact that I really would like to have sex again some day, and the idea became more and more appealing. I can say definitively that I’m still not ready, but I’m open to the idea. Which is a huge step. And the more I thought about my ex, the more I thought, “I definitely don’t want my next mate to have x, y or z characteristics”, and all of the sudden, I feel like I’m hand-crafting the perfect man. And even though I sometimes worry about my age (33) and feel like I’m too old to start over, I also know that I’m not going to settle for anything less than I truly want and deserve. And it’s nice to love myself that much. It really is.
But in addition to browsing online personals and dating sites, one, in particular, where I found a profile of someone who looked extremely familiar to me and I couldn’t quite pinpoint why, until it was pointed out that it was my ex-husband, I’ve also tentatively agreed to be set up on a few blind dates. Which, I’m not going to lie, scares the bejesus out of me. I feel like I’m back in 7th grade – that I’m going to be judged, and maybe rejected, and it’s just something that’s so unfamiliar to me. It’s been a really long time since I’ve been on a date. So I beg you all for advice. What is your best dating advice? What are some of your more disastrous date stories? Your funniest stores? Your great date stories? Share!
39 comments
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January 8, 2008 at 10:01 am
Michelle and the City
well you’ve heard some of my dating stories already, but nothing tops the night with the firefighter! you’ll get back on your saddle (literally) one day La, i know you will.
save a horse, ride a cowboy. isn’t that what they say? 😉
xoxo
January 8, 2008 at 10:09 am
violet
a) molly does have seriously great hair. how does she do it?
b) you are incredible. and dont say again that 33 is old – no way! fact is, you’re now able to consider a whole new group of men who were once nerds, didn’t know how to talk to girls, and instead did really well with their careers, focused on things they loved, and now are socialized and looking for someone just like youuuuu. ok, that was overboard on detail but its what sprung to mind. get after it!
January 8, 2008 at 10:16 am
Peter DeWolf
I don’t think there is an age when you are too old to start over.
But, 33 is definitely DECADES before such a thing would even have to be discussed.
January 8, 2008 at 10:16 am
littlespoon
I’m just proud of you for how strong you’ve been through all of this.
And dating will come again smoothly and naturally, when it’s time. And you’ll spend the rest of your life with someone 489578947 times better than CB.
I ❤ you.
January 8, 2008 at 10:19 am
tiff
I’ve been reading a little bit of your blog, La, and I must say you are so incredibly strong and resilient that only good things will come from starting over. I’m a stranger who’s very proud of you!
January 8, 2008 at 10:19 am
verybadcat
I haven’t dated much, I married young. What I can tell you is that I wish I would have had the option of meeting for a drink as a first date instead of committing to dinner. There were more than a few times that I would have bailed after a half an hour if I wasn’t committed to dinner. That instinct proved correct every. single. time.
I’m a very nervous critter, and never dealt well with the whole rejection thing. So, whenever I went out on a date, I made a point of seeing it as an interview for the guy. Is he smart enough? Is he kind enough, funny enough? I was friendly and charming and asked a ton of questions, but in my mind, I never asked myself if I was doing well, or if the guy liked me. I always kept, at least in my mind, the position of power.
January 8, 2008 at 10:28 am
Jess
You are definitely not too old to start over! I am so glad that you are rid of CB and that you get this chance to be with someone who doesn’t have X, Y, and Z characteristics (like, I don’t know, being a CHEATER) and who loves you as much as you love yourself. Because you are great.
Have fun on those blind dates! They will love you, and if they don’t, they don’t deserve you anyway.
January 8, 2008 at 10:33 am
DevilsHeaven
I meet my man online, and we still get raised eyebrows about it, but whatever. My advice? DO LUNCH, if at all possible. That way, like verybadcat said, you aren’t committed to dinner. And spend sometime e-mailing before agreeing to a date. If they are all, Let’s get togther now! Then most likely, they’re not worth it.
Don’t let the pressure get to ya. The last thing you want to end up saying is, I wish I hadn’t jumped into this so soon.
January 8, 2008 at 10:40 am
milwaukeebuckeye
The best part of Molly being in Sin City? I have been introduced to some amazing blogs!
I have to say, you sound like an incredibly strong person, and I admire that. Enjoy the blind dates – make them woo you!
January 8, 2008 at 10:46 am
Pessimistic Redhead
Dear God, I started to comment about a horrendous date story and made an entire post out of it!
January 8, 2008 at 10:46 am
Melissa
Your 30s are just the beginning of life. Other than the weird aches and pains I get sometimes, I’ve never felt better. And there are a LOT of guys out there. And not all of them have baggage. Hallelujah!
January 8, 2008 at 10:48 am
Fritz
i met my boy online and after a few weeks of email we went on our first date…a haunted house, then coffee and because we stayed so long talking at starbucks we caught the late movie, i really have no advice just a giant wish of luck, and to go with your gut!
January 8, 2008 at 10:52 am
kwarterlifecrisis
Aw La, first of all, sorry I stole the shoe idea! Second, it is NEVER too late to start over. My dad met his wife and got remarried at 53 and my 41-year-old aunt is currently dating. Plus, you are cute as a damn button and totally awesome too so you’ll have no trouble snagging a great man. 🙂
January 8, 2008 at 10:53 am
Clink
As you know, I have been in awe of your strength throughout this shitty situation.
And you are never too old to start over, ever.
My best dating advice is probably not helpful but something you should carry with you: you just never know. Case in point: if I hadn’t dragged myself to a bar at the end of the night to meet my friends, even when I realllllllly wanted to go home and go to bed, I never would’ve been introduced to M and he thus probably never would’ve became my future husband.
You never. know.
January 8, 2008 at 10:57 am
Sassafras
I have to commend you for your attitude – looking at this like ‘I get to start my life over and it is scary but so exciting’ is such a great way to look at it.
I too was always afraid of rejection but remember this: Getting rejected is a quicker way to get to the conclusion that he wasn’t right for YOU anyway.
January 8, 2008 at 10:58 am
Courtney
Don’t YOU worry about being judged. You are so lovely and love will find you.
: )
January 8, 2008 at 11:03 am
bridgid
I met my fiance D through online dating, and I can tell you that I even though I did meet D, I had some interesting experiences! The one date that sticks out in my head the most is a guy that seemed pretty great in his profile (smart, seemingly funny, successful) and listed his best feature as his eyes. Well, when I got to the date, he had a LAZY EYE! Now, I’m not knocking those folks that have lazy eyes, I realize it’s probably an embarrassing characteristic to have, but really, if you’re in that situation don’t list your best feature as your eyes (unless, I guess they have a singular option instead of the plural form, and you really like your one focus-abled eye).
My best advice is not unlike Clink’s, which is you really never know. So go on a lot of dates, take your time, don’t necessarily write someone off immediately, and try your best to have fun. Dating can be awkward (especially online dating) but even if a date goes really bad, you’ll at least get a good story out of it.
January 8, 2008 at 11:23 am
Ashley
La you deserve the best best BEST and nothing less. I am so proud of you for how strong and amazing you’ve been through all this.
I’ve gone on a ton of dates and you may too, or you may find one right off the bat. But dating? IS FUN. I can remember my first date after I broke it off with the forbidden, it was god awful. I mean the guy? Was more boring than a toothpick. More boring than a brick. And he tried to kiss me when I was facing away from him (he literally was chasing my mouth around and i kept backing away–take a hint!!). Sometimes dating is frustrating, but sometimes its gives really funny dating stories/blog fodder. It lets you discover exactly what you want in a guy and you’ll find it. You will be treated exactly how you want to be treated and you will wonder what the hell you saw in CB in the first place.
xoxoxo!
January 8, 2008 at 11:25 am
molly's mom
oh honey, i just had to say something here.
first off, i know your heartbreak. and that scum of a fiance did you a MAJOR big-time favor by bailing before the wedding. it would have been way worse to have been married to a lying cheat and then have the added grief of having to legally get out of it.
even though it’s incredibly painful, you are the winner in this. and the woman you know that he took off with is just a bottom-feeder. if he cheated on you, he could very well cheat on her, and at some point probably will. she will never be able to be sure.
mid-life crises are not necessarily limited to one.
next, your best times have not even begun girl! you will find the next two decades are going to be filled with thrills, experiences and enlightenments you could not have even imagined…and that includes meeting some decent guys.
and finally….about your ex showing up on a dating service? i had a dating service send me my “perfect match” ….. it was my ex husband!!! i almost fell off my chair!
you gotta laugh….
January 8, 2008 at 11:47 am
tilly
LA! You are the coolest. Anyway, as far as dating goes, I honestly think that you should just do it for FUN. Try not to get too list-centric (if that makes sense). Instead of going on dates looking for some perfect guy, go on dates to meet new people who might possibly change your perspective on the world or open you up to new things and stuff like that. Dating can be an interesting life experience. Also, you NEVER know where you will meet your man (i.e. the train)–it CAN happen!
January 8, 2008 at 12:19 pm
Kateastrophe
I am a firm believer in the fact that it’s NEVER too late to start over and I’m so happy that you’re doing OK.
My dating stories are all horrid and hilarious. They usually make up my Soap Opera Sundays.
My dating advice to anyone is to find someone with NO DRAMA. You might think, at the beginning, that it’s boring, but in a man with no drama, you find the most loyal, most sincere, most sweet, most amazing person.
Then you bring the drama 😀
January 8, 2008 at 12:30 pm
penelope23
My best date story is with a police officer I once dated. It was the first time he took me out and I agreed to have lunch with him. I am a first date should be lunch kinda girl, because what if the date goes terribly wrong? At least if its lunch you have the rest of the day to recover. We went to lunch (which was great) and then sat outside and had some coffee. Then he offered to take me for a ride on his motorcycle around a nice lake near the city where we lived. The thing that made the date so great was that it was nothing like me. It was adventurous and spur of the moment, which most of the time I am neither one of those things. I had never been on a motorcycle nor had I ever thought of going on a motorcycle, but the guy brought me out of my shell. That’s what everyone needs, someone who takes you a little beyond their comfort zone 🙂 Come visit me at penelope23.wordpress.com
January 8, 2008 at 12:49 pm
Miriam D
Well, I haven’t dated much, having been in the same relationship for the past five years. However, when I met J, I didn’t even notice him. He noticed me. And it took me over a year to figure out that he was right there (and then it was like flip flops in the stomach and heart aflutter for three weeks before we kissed).
And dating? I hear it is fun and exciting. At least according to my single gal friends. It’s an adventure! I think you’ll have a great time exploring (even though you are nervous – hey, who wouldn’t be?). Just be yourself, that’s all the advice I have :).
January 8, 2008 at 1:03 pm
ttcmb
How about a time I did not handle being asked out on a date well? I had been in college for maybe a couple of weeks and my friends and I spent every night at a particular fraternity. One of our friends’ brother had been in it so she knew the people. Don’t get the wrong idea, we weren’t trying to get with every frat guy and if you knew the guys you might find it way more believable. Anyway, there was one guy that I loved to talk to but was totally not attracted to and never thought of him that way. He called me to see if I wanted to go to a movie and it caught me so off guard that I invited my friends along. Yeah, I am sure that made him feel great. We stayed friends for the couple of years I was at the school so it didn’t work out too bad.
January 8, 2008 at 1:03 pm
Anna
La,
I can share my friend’s secret for weeding out the “cheesy” men she was trying to avoid on match.com.
For her, she chose windsurfing as a criteria—not that she was looking for a windsurfer or was one herself. Lots of people say they like the beach or the outdoors, but the windsurfing thing generally netted her some sincere, active, outdoor-loving, in-shape guys instead of the “okay, meetcha at the sports bar” kind of guys she kept running into.
Call her crazy, but it worked—she married a windsurfing man!
May you find your windsurfer too! 🙂
January 8, 2008 at 3:17 pm
bloggingbarbie
la, there are so many dating stories i have i don’t even know where to begin. we know this. but this is not the point of my comment.
the point? is that in the scheme of life, you are young. YOUNG. and you have so many great things in store for you, i just know it. also, i feel the need to repost what molly’s mom said, because i was “amen-ing sister!” the whole way through her comment…
“and that scum of a fiance did you a MAJOR big-time favor by bailing before the wedding. it would have been way worse to have been married to a lying cheat and then have the added grief of having to legally get out of it. even though it’s incredibly painful, you are the winner in this.”
so there you go, winner, and amazing woman whom i heart. you rock muchly. xoxo
January 8, 2008 at 3:21 pm
crystall
I don’t know what to say about dating except dive in head first without a lot of expectations. I know that’s hard to believe coming from miss paranoia central over here, but ya know, life is short, and the dates are even shorter haha.
I don’t think I’ve been on a lot of dates really. The boys were too afraid to come to my house. And after high school, I wasn’t really into it.
Hmm. But I’ll let you know how my date, that I’m flying 2,500 miles for, goes w/Stephen 😉
January 8, 2008 at 3:23 pm
Chris
La, I’ve been reading you before the whole CB thing, and I have to say, I am so proud of you for blogging about it. It’s incredibly brave. I’m so happy that you’re at the point where you’re able to say, “I’m not going to settle for anything less than I truly want and deserve.”
I know amazing things are in store for you.
January 8, 2008 at 6:48 pm
Princess Extraoridinaire
Iam so proud of you for moving forward with your life despite this heart break….you are an amazing woman and deserve to find someone worthy of your love. Dating can be fun so all I can suggest is to keep it light and enjoy it without letting it overwhelm you too much – let guys take you out and enjoy yourself – you deserve it!
January 8, 2008 at 6:52 pm
distracted spunk
I…am wordless. Which happens more and more lately. I’m proud of you for putting yourself out there. I’m not ready to do that, even though I tried and I may have inadvertently ended up with a new admirer. I’m scurrying back into my shell.
But! A funny story. Once, I was out with a friend, whom I was somewhat attracted to, and I thought he was somewhat attracted to me, but I couldn’t tell. At the end of the night, I didn’t know what was happening, so I went to give him a hug, he went to give me a kiss, I literally ducked and swooped over to the right, popped back up, and gave him a hug longer than was necessary or comfortable.
Awkward? Me? Hell yes.
January 8, 2008 at 8:59 pm
qu33nbee
You are so brave. I seriously admire you so much…
Anyway! I have no dating advice. I’m sorry.
January 8, 2008 at 10:22 pm
daily editor
Ooh, new dates on the horizon? All the best to you! Whatever happens, just have fun, and at worst, consider it a free meal…right?
As for a funny being-asked-out story…Once, I went into a beer distributer at the ripe old age of 18. I was with my mother, which makes this even more embarrassing. She wanted to pick up a very specific type of beer (why, I don’t know) so we went to this place and asked if they could order it. Well, the guy behind the counter who helped us with the order was giving me the eye in a rather obvious way. I felt so uncomfortable just standing there. Again, I was with my mom—ahhh! So we got home and about half an hour later, the phone rang and it was the guy from distributor. He was updating my mom about the order, and then he asked her if he could talk to me. No lie. So my mom gave me the phone and I had to talk to this guy—who was something like 23 (old compared to me at the time!)—and he asked me if I’d be interested in going out with him. Uhhh, what? I said yes, but we never actually went out because I left for college two weeks later. That story makes me cringe just thinking about it.
January 9, 2008 at 12:58 am
erin
eek…what a shitty thing to do to someone. i haven’t read your blog before and i’m not sure why (adding to google reader as we speak or type…whatever)
good luck in the dating world! i have no advice as i myself am trying to figure it out!
January 9, 2008 at 1:59 am
libby
la, you are gonna be breakin’ some hearts lady!!
January 9, 2008 at 11:44 am
The Lisa Show
You’re going to do GREAT. Seriously, dude, I’ve seen your pictures. You’re hot. Looking forward to your dating stories!
January 9, 2008 at 11:50 am
gibsondog
I admire your strength.
I must read your blog. I could use some shine.
January 9, 2008 at 1:07 pm
mel
Advice? Hrm… lets see… I’m head over heals in love with my current boyfriend I met online. However, I do look back at my online dating time and really shake my head. I met so many people that just weren’t right for me AT ALL. At first it was fun but then it ended up being a rather depressing process. It took me a good year to find my current boyfriend. I must have gone on over 30 dates with people who I thought I had screened but ended up being completely no right for me.
So… it can get kinda frustrating and depressing… lunch is a great idea… keep them short :)… but all you need is one *right one* so it’s worth it 🙂
January 9, 2008 at 4:04 pm
Rachel
Wow. I like you. Never read your blog before today but am already hooked! Anyway…dating advice. First…be patient. Just like you can’t buy love, you can’t force it either. Second…don’t settle (for any reason) Having a second chance and knowing the qualities you want make it SO much better for you in the long run. Third…learn to love your single self and be comfortable spending time alone. I was married at 20 (he was 32) and it was the biggest mistake of my life! Divorced his crazy ass and was a single mom at 24. So I did what normal girls do and racked myself with anxiety and stress trying to find someone. Then a light switched on and I let go and just had fun. Didn’t rush. Had a blast being single (and NOT by sleeping around!). I waited and found someone and re-married 18 months ago. Fourth…don’t let the man have the upper hand. They like the chase and that same chase keeps them on their toes years into the relationship. Don’t be a sappy, needy, clingy girlfriend/wife. It annoys men. Trust me….my old man’s friends treat me like one of the guys so I hear all this stuff. They forget I’m there half the time and go on and on since they know I’ll never tell their girls what they say. It’s nice because I get to see the men’s perspective more than the average girl does. I know all the dirt! hee hee.
You’ll be FINE, girl. Just think of it as a big adventure and good stories to post on your blog! I know I’ll be reading.
Ciao!
January 11, 2008 at 9:04 pm
Princess Pointful
You are wonderful. #1. Therefore there should be a line up of men looking to help you “start over”, *wink wink, nudge nudge*
I went on a blind date. He asked if he could hold my hand.
My advice to you? Run if he asks you to do that.