Today was supposed to be a good day. I woke up refreshed, happy that it was Friday and the weekend (and a martini) where only eight hours away. The temperature was perfect and I’m wearing yoga pants and who in their right mind isn’t happy while wearing yoga pants?

So there I was, all happy and naive because the work gods or the universe or someone thought it would be funny to have a work project I worked so hard on for DAYS basically get thrown down the toilet with one bad review. Fun.

So, as I prepare to do damage control, and seeing as how a martini is still seven hours away, I thought the one thing that could brighten my day at this very moment was some good old wedding mocking.

Join me, won’t you, as I describe for you just how to have the Cinderella Wedding Of Your Dreams.

You must start with the dress. The bigger, the better because Cinderella would wear nothing short of a ball gown. Now let’s be clear, I’m not mocking the ball gown. The day I bought my dress there was an itty bitty thing trying one on and she looked fabulous in it. I would look like a cream puff. Now that we’re clear I’m not mocking the ball gown, let it be understood that I will be mocking everything else.

(OK, maybe I’m mocking that train just a little bit. I mean, how are you going to dance in that thing?)

Moving on…

The cake should be the centerpiece of your reception. Be sure to showcase it with its very own carriage.

“Love…let me count the ways” calculators. What every guest wants to throw in the trash will cherish forever.

Nothing will make your fairytale come true like a castle backdrop. Stroll through the cardboard arches with your new husband. Stop to marvel at the sky-like drapery and pause to admire the foam swans.

Candlelight provides ambiance. Make sure your tea lights are tucked firmly in your crown holders.

A Cinderella bride would not be complete without her glass slippers. Promise me you’ll wear flats and not the stripper variety. Cinderella would never approve.

People. I saved the best for last. Did you forget the mice? Gus Gus? COME ON. A Cinderella wedding must showcase the best of the best and the best would not be complete without chocolate mice favors.

Yes. They look like turds. Mice turds. On your wedding tables. Immortalized forever in photographs and seared onto the brains of your guests for eternity.

You’re welcome.