Long time readers probably remember how I used to write about my struggles with Michael’s mom. I don’t write about that anymore — mostly to respect family privacy — but also, because slowly, very slowly, things are starting to change.
I am not a mother of a son so I cannot fully understand the relationship they have. But I get it. I get the protective, no woman is good enough for my son, vibe. I bet if you ask 98% of married women how they get along with their mother-in-laws, they’ll laugh in your face.
When we were dating, every interaction with his mom was uncomfortable. Dinners dragged on for what felt like hours and I was constantly feeling under the microscope. I would wish for summer, if only to have his grandmother back as a buffer.
And I began to think that this was how it was always going to be. Me against her.
After we got engaged, I think the tables started to turn for her. Maybe she realized I was really here to stay. Maybe she started looking at me as an adult and not just her son’s girlfriend. Or maybe she just decided to make an effort. Whatever the reason, our relationship has changed.
For the better.
We had dinner at her house last night and for the first time it really felt like the ice was melting. She made a huge batch of tabouleh just so I could take home leftovers because she knows how much I love it. The evening flowed smoothly with no uncomfortable conversations. For the first time in almost 7 years, I felt like she was family.
I made a comment to Michael about it on the way home and he too had noticed a change. And later, as I lay awake till 2 a.m., the usually wedding lists keeping me awake, I started to think about our rehearsal dinner. It’s at this dinner that I plan to thank the people most important to me. The people that have made this wedding possible, the ones that share our happiness.
This time, I really thought about what I would say to her. My future mother-in-law.
We will always have our differences, this I am sure. We will have ups. We will have downs. We will disagree, argue and make up again.
But a new wind is blowing and I can feel it.
34 comments
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August 6, 2008 at 9:55 am
crystall
That is terrific news.
August 6, 2008 at 10:01 am
Katie
Oh, that’s wonderful! Jonathan is somewhat of a Mama’s boy (aren’t they all) though he denies it, but it is true: a mother and son have an incredible bond that I, as neither a mother of a son nor a son, don’t get. I’m lucky in that my MIL is quite an awesome lady and we get along very well. Actually, it’s kind of scary but we’re very much alike.
August 6, 2008 at 10:07 am
Laura
Just stumbled onto your blog, and I must say–I love your voice.
But even more importantly, I am happy to hear that you and your future mother-in-law may be growing closer in a way that is comfortable for you both.
I’ll be gettin’ my pray on for you guys.
Love your blog. Love, love, love it.
with love from Pittsburgh…
August 6, 2008 at 10:11 am
dreamgrrl
I’m so happy to hear this, and that the dinner was delicious! this makes me so happy for you. If only now I could feel like this with his dad…. 😉
August 6, 2008 at 10:15 am
littlespoon
You know what really makes MIL’s like us? And I’m not even joking. Grandkids. My MIL is getting better too, but lately she’s been talking to me a lot more about what she’s going to take her grandkids to. It’s weird. 🙂
I am glad you guys are getting along better though. That’s really awesome to hear.
August 6, 2008 at 10:17 am
Melissa
That is GREAT! I am so thankful that I have never had a hard time with E’s parents or their spouses. And he is an only child, so I could have expected some grief. Thankfully, no.
August 6, 2008 at 10:24 am
paisana
I’m so glad to hear that things are changing for the better for you. I’m in that 2% that gets on great with her F-MIL, but I didn’t get on quite so well with the mother of the guy I dated before. Good luck!
August 6, 2008 at 10:42 am
KT
That is fantastic that your relationship with your MIL is getting better! I feel like I am pretty lucky in that my potential MIL is very laid back and we have a really good relationship (at least so far).
August 6, 2008 at 10:52 am
Elizabeth
wow! never thought I would read/hear that. I’m glad there was a change. 🙂
August 6, 2008 at 11:05 am
Sassafras
Awww…that makes me happy. I am very lucky and get along with my MIL superbly. I want you to have that too because it makes such a difference.
I’m glad to see that things are shifting in this direction.
August 6, 2008 at 11:28 am
The Casual Perfectionist
I think the thing to remember (not that you asked for my opinion) 😉 is that *you* are the one who is becoming part of the family. Michael and his mother have an undeniable bond and always will. Is he her first child? I can’t remember and don’t have time to check the archives…if he is, he’s the reason she’s a Mother…and that’s an incredible thing. Even if he’s not her first, he’ll always be her baby, someone who makes her who she is.
That being said, I’m in the 2% that get along really well with the inlaws, and I always have. I’m grateful for that.
But, I still remember becoming a part of their family, and it was awesome.
I think she may be a little more accepting of you because she sees how much you mean to Michael and that you’re not going anywhere…and I think you are becoming a little more accepting of her too, because anyone who can raise someone as great as your fiance can’t be all that bad. 🙂
August 6, 2008 at 11:36 am
Jessica
What a relief for you! Now you don’t have to dread future interactions with her and you can relax 🙂
I’m not even going to rant about my BF’s mom. UGH.
August 6, 2008 at 11:52 am
poodlegoose
I’m really happy that things are getting better with your mom-in-law. Luckily, I have been so blessed to have a great relationship with my mother-in-law, and I’m very happy for it.
August 6, 2008 at 11:52 am
bloggingbarbie
oh honey. that is such great news. yay. yay. YAY. (and a barbie SQUEEEE! for good measure.)
xo, bb
August 6, 2008 at 12:05 pm
JenBun
Yay, I’m glad to hear things are getting better and are at least on the way towards a nice, loving little family relationship! 🙂
My once-almost-MIL is coming to visit in a couple of weeks, and I am super excited!
August 6, 2008 at 1:03 pm
Casey
I wish I could say the same. My MIL tries to do a lot for me, but she is a different species of person and I don’t think we’ll ever be close. We have too many differences and too many hurts that, while forgiven, can’t readily be forgotten. She even hid our marriage license so we couldn’t file it and lied and said I had it!! I could go on and on. It is soooo much easier to get along and hace a good relationsip. Milk it for all you can, if only for your future-hubby’s sake. Not having a good relationship is emotionally draining. 😦
August 6, 2008 at 1:05 pm
Jessica Lynn
yay! so happy for you!
August 6, 2008 at 1:36 pm
DevilsHeaven
I hope your wind continues to be a gentle breeze and doesn’t turn into a gale forced wind.
Does that make any sense?
It sounded good in my head.
August 6, 2008 at 1:39 pm
Johanna
Yeah!
That is really, so important… because she’ll always be his mom, and she’ll always be there!
I’ve had my ups and downs with my MIL, but for the most part she really loves her son, and she loves me too and that’s where everything that she does stems from.
August 6, 2008 at 3:56 pm
jewbie
WOW. I’m so glad you wrote this post!
My honey and I are leaving to spend a week and a half with his folks at their cottage. This is the first serious bf I’ve had (living together, talk of a future, marriage, kids, the whole she-bang) so I’ve never experienced the formidable MIL.
Until now. She is really unapproachable, which is a different experience for me because I can talk to ANYONE. Except for her. IT doesn’t help that I’m taking her baby away (he’s the first born and the favorite) and she doesn’t approve of us shacking it up pre marriage.
SEVEN YEARS?!? Wowsers-you are one patient chick. I pray to the MIL gods it won’t take our relationship that long.
August 6, 2008 at 4:03 pm
Miss A
I don’t know why, but that post definitely put a smile on my face. So glad things are looking up… I bet she’s just as relieved as you are 🙂
August 6, 2008 at 4:11 pm
Wickedly Scarlett
I’m so happy for you that your relationship with her is improving. I wish I could say the same about Colby’s mom, but unfortunately, it only got worse with the engagement and wedding. I really don’t know how to handle it when people don’t like me, so it’s been an interesting couple of years, but I still hope that someday she’ll realize that I’m here to stay and the layer of ice that’s between us will start to melt away.
August 6, 2008 at 7:45 pm
Caitlyn
So sweet, Molls! I was wondering if that was going to happen eventually, that she’d realize that you really are his future wife. I remember that one boyfriend’s mother use to sing “Uptown Girl” to me every time I’d come over. Their family wasn’t exactly rich and so anything in comparison was. When he got really sick, she refused to give me details to come see him in the hospital and blamed me for his illness. I never, ever would have fit in with that.
August 6, 2008 at 10:07 pm
Stephanie
I am so glad things with Michael’s mom are on the up-rise.
August 6, 2008 at 10:19 pm
Mike
This is a fabulous thing to read…and I kind of like it that it’s happening without it really being talked about.
August 6, 2008 at 10:44 pm
Syd
Hi. New reader here. It is always better when the family in law in on-board. And I bet you will come up with something really lovely to say at the reception. Also, I am in the throws of planning a wedding and I’m glad to hear I am not the only one kept away by the wedding monkeys in my head. I swear I think of a billion things at night. Best of luck.
August 6, 2008 at 11:26 pm
bing
I think it’s horrible for MILs to treat the love of their son’s life poorly. If being with you makes him happy, she should be happy and love you too. It is sad that a lot of MILs act that way. I’m so glad things are starting to change for the better. You’re a sweetheart, how could she not love you! 🙂
August 7, 2008 at 9:06 am
Cazza
I know, and I know and I know that it will blossom into a fine relationship. that is with all the members of the familia.
P.S. The Ice Ice Baby song was a one hit wonder for Vanilla Ice. That’s history. Now, the new phase is heading towards singers like Chris Brown, Jordan Sparks, and lets not forget Guy S (but really no ice queens. just learning how to breathe again :)).
August 7, 2008 at 1:13 pm
La Petite Belle
if you ever feel like talking to someone that will make you feel good about your current situation, talk to me. My mother in law? She hates me. With an incredibly passionate passion. I swear if she could get away with it she would most likely kill me. Hence us living 10000 miles away from her.
August 7, 2008 at 4:49 pm
M
Hi! I’ve struggled with not just MIL, but sisters-in-law too (two of them, hubby is the baby) for YEARS. Very complex situation, but finally got to the point where MIL/FIL moved away and we no longer speak to SILs. Very very sad. Not my choice. But there was nothing to be done because I wasn’t going away. 😦 Most important thing is that you and your husband-to-be love one another and stick together as a family and don’t let other ILs influence your relationship. If they want to be miserable, tell them to do it some where else! (That said, I truly hope it works out with your MIL!)
August 7, 2008 at 5:35 pm
emmaenlighted
YES! I´m so glad for you, and that the winds are changing. I´´m sure you´ll make a wonderful daughter-in-law. 😉
August 8, 2008 at 3:20 pm
Lisa
That is so great!! I hope one day to make a post about this, as me and my MIL are still on the “are you or are you not family, and am I or am I not going to treat you that way?”
Best of luck!
August 8, 2008 at 3:56 pm
Guilty Secret
This is such great news. Weirdly I felt an improvement with my FMIL just this past weekend too.
August 13, 2008 at 12:41 am
libby
i’m so happy for you.