New Rules for Gym Patrons:

1. No leering. Sports bras do not prevent all bounce so there’s going to be some movement going on. It is in your best interest to pretend you don’t notice.

2. Many forms of sweatbands are appropriate and appreciated to keep your forehead sweat off the machines. The neon bandanna with skulls on it is not. Especially if you’re leering.

3. Showering between your workout and heading to your job is great. Your coworkers probably enjoy it as well. But just because it’s a women’s locker room, does not mean your fellow gym goers are interested in seeing you in full frontal nudity. We’re not. Especially if you’re just walking around, chatting up your friend in the next shower stall and bending over to lotion up. Your crack is yours and yours alone. Please keep it that way.

4. If you don’t shower, half a bottle of very strong perfume is not an acceptable alternative. I’m pretty sure the scent singed my nose hairs because I smelled you for the next two hours. True story.

5. Wipe your machine when you’re done, wipe your machine when you’re done, for the love of God wipe your machine when you’re done! Ew.

6. Don’t sing along — loudly — to your iPod. Especially if you’re playing Kid Rock.

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