Every once in a blue moon Michael has to work overnight. I hate it — mostly because when he’s not home, I really don’t sleep. I knew last night would be one of those nights, so I settled in under the down comforter for some late night TV.

And found myself riveted by an infomercial for the Jack LaLanne juicer. RIVETED.

I stared in awe as he put a whole apple into his juicer and was left with minimal pulp. I was fascinated by the combinations of juice you could make with a head of lettuce, six carrots, a handful of strawberries and a pumpkin. I admired Jack LaLanne’s (pronounced La-Lane, this is important for later) selling technique. He didn’t yell at me like Billy Mays does (You NEED OXYCLEAN!!!!), instead he and his wife — Elaine LaLanne (I so wish I was making that up) — quietly and calming and thoroughly showed me why owning his juicer would make my life so much better.

I was hooked. I was all, YES! This juicer will make my life better! Why should I buy a dinky juicer when I can have the Jack LaLanne POWER JUICER?

I’ve never bought anything off an infomercial. I’ve been close — a steam mop comes to mind — but so far, nothing. Last night, I was really close. If I hadn’t switched over to an old episode of Without a Trace I would be making four easy payments of $49.99 and might be juicing the contents of my refrigerator right this very moment.

I think the lesson here is NEVER WATCH INFOMERCIALS AT 2 A.M.

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