Oh hey, 5:27 a.m. How are ya?
It’s been a long time since we’ve hung out, but today I guess you figured why not? I know I haven’t really been sleeping through the night anymore, but I usually konk back out between six and eight for a few more hours of rest. But today! No way! You were intent on some quality time, so quality time we had.
I didn’t want to leave the warmth of the covers, even if we were hanging out, so we watched some TV. Well, I guess you could call it watching. It was really a lot of channel flipping because do you know what’s on that early, 5:27 a.m.? Do you? I’ll tell you.
Local news. But the earliest version of local news, which means the anchors are still a bit punchy. So punchy, in fact, that the meteorologist spent a good three minutes guessing where a village was located in the state. Yes, guessing. There was a lot of hmmms and ummms and then, “well, my best guess is…”, until the producer apparently told her where it was. And since she was right (and punchy), she was excited. So excited, that she whipped out her travel mug from off camera and cheered with the other anchor. Cheers! We know where a village is located! Go us weeee!!!!
And then they did a story about a baby elephant born in Australia and talked about how the mother was in labor for nine days. Nine. Days.
I had to change the channel.
Infomercials. So many infomercials! For steam mops and mineral makeup and P90X workout DVDs which I have to say, is at least an interesting infomercial to watch if you have some time to kill. And that weird leg contraption that’s supposed to help your back pain, oh! And the ab machine that makes you look like you’re going to dislocate your top half from the bottom. Nearly ever channel features a different infomercial, so really, there’s something for everyone.
Exercise programs. I had no idea so many people were exercising along with their television so early in the morning. I mean, they must be, right? If all those shows are airing. But why aren’t most of them current? At least, I don’t think they’re current, because have you seen the sets? With their airbrushed neon zig zags and fuzzy lighting? Or the hair styles? With the mullets and the crunchy, curly high ponytails?
Or the outfits? HAVE YOU SEEN THE OUTFITS? Scrunchy socks and high-cut, shiny unitards with belts. BELTS! THEY’RE WEARING BELTS! I don’t think I could seriously follow along with the exercise without my mind wandering to the obvious questions. Like, WHY the belt? What is the purpose of the belt? And why is it metallic?
Oh, 5:27 a.m., I didn’t really want to hang, but at least you kept me entertained until Law & Order came on at six.