Today’s guest post is from Laura over at Navigating the Mothership. She is fab.
Hello, These Little Moments readers! First of all, HUGE congrats to Molly and family on their new addition. I am happy and honored to provide a guest post so that Molly can spend all of her free time with Owen. While I have never met Molly in real life, I feel connected to her in that funny bloggy way. I have been loving her posts about the bizarre world that is pregnancy and can’t wait to hear more about life with Owen. She really is a blogging superstar, but you already know that.
A bit about myself. My name is Laura and I grew up in Fargo, North Dakota. Yes! That’s right. People actually live there amid the tundra. Or at least grow up there. We all leave, though. Can’t imagine why. These days I’m living in Minneapolis, Minnesota with my husband, named, uh…Husband (this is possibly a pseudonym) and our one-year-old daughter, Bella.
I’m currently a stay-at-home mom (and loving it), and prior to that I worked as a dietitian. Before you start asking me for nutrition advice, I should tell you that I have a little dessert problem and eat a decadent dessert every.single.day. Sometimes twice a day. Or maybe three times. Well…we’ll just say once a day. Moderation-slash-there-are-some-things-you-shouldn’t-admit-to and all that. I guess I would describe myself as one of those yuppie-hippy types when it comes to being a mama. You know, the classic unmedicated-birth, cloth-diapering, and make-my-own-organic-baby-food trifecta that’s all the rage these days. Of course, I’m just doing it to be trendy.
But I’m not hear to bore you about my adventures of being a yuppie-hippy. Today I want to tell you about the time Husband thought I pooped my pants when I was 40 weeks pregnant. A story like this is best told with dramatic flair. I shall now exit stage left.
Scene from a Movie Theater
An Enormously-Pregnant Woman (EPW) and her husband head to the local cheapie theater to take in a flick on her due date. The husband is taking her out in an attempt to distract her from the fact that she is probably going to be pregnant forever and TLC will be forced to make a frightening documentary about it. The couple arrive at the theater and EPW tries not to see how scared all the other patrons are of her ginormous belly. Once the couple is settled into their seats, EPW is still not able to take her mind off her pregnancy as she simply cannot find a comfortable position in her seat. She keeps shifting in an attempt to get comfy, but her trickster baby then shifts herself in utero, causing further chair shifting in the woman. It’s a real shift-a-palooza. EPW gives up on getting comfortable and settles for not-in-total-pain, but this requires endless fidgeting in her chair. A half hour of the movie passes and we now find EPW slouched very low in her seat and feeling sorry for herself…
Enormously Pregnant Woman (leans over to Husband and whispers): I need a bigger uterus.
Husband (distracted as he is watching the movie and can only focus on one thing at a time): Yes.
[The woman gets a sudden baby foot sticking out of her side and she slides up quickly to try to dislodge it. In the process of sliding up, however, her yoga pants and underwear stick to the seat and she is now in a preggy pickle of having major plumber’s butt. It is not easy to swiftly and inconspicuously remedy such a situation at 10 months pregnant.]
EPW (leaning over to Husband and whispering a tad frantically): I pulled down my pants!
Husband (EXTREMELY alarmed, but aware that his pregnant wife is in a rather delicate state of mind, not to mention not exactly in full control of bodily processes these days, says in a hushed and panicked whisper): YOU POOPED YOUR PANTS?!
Woman explodes in laughter and then suffers from emotional incontinence in the form of giggling for the rest of the movie, which only serves to draw more attention to her enormously-pregnant state. On the plus side, she is finally distracted from her pregnancy. Husband’s heart slowly returns to a normal pace, but he cannot get the horrifying image of trying to help EPW and her poopy pants out of the movie theater. All other movie-goers glance nervously at the slightly hysterical EPW for the remainder of the movie, certain that a baby is about to fall out onto the floor at any moment.
Pregnancy is such a time of beauty, isn’t it? If you are in the market for more stories like this in addition to regular posts about boobs, awkward moments, and figuring out this parenting gig, then you can find me at Navigating the Mothership. If you are interested in reading the generally embarrassing play-by-play of my first pregnancy, it’s all documented at Preggy Blonde. Thank you to Molly for letting me guest blog!