I had a moment last week where I totally broke down. After a day of irritability to the extreme — everyone and everything was making me cranky — I lay in my bed and sobbed until the tears ran dry. There really was no one reason for it; more of an accumulation of things from of a really hard, really long month. I just felt done.
Immediately after returning to school after winter break, Owen came down with a horrible cough. He would be unable to catch his breath and as a result, he would throw up. In the kitchen, on the couch, in his bed. It lasted a week, and despite my best efforts to sanitize every thing he touched/looked at, it wasn’t long before I started to feel run down. Without getting TOO whiny about it, my cold turned into a sinus infection that completely and totally put me out of commission. I’m not exaggerating when I say I would rather give birth than have a sinus infection. Especially when you can’t take any good drugs. At the height of it, I parented from the couch, moving only to put on another movie for the boys or go in search of some snacks for them. They ate pancakes for dinner twice in a row because the thought of getting up to make an actual meal was exhausting. Despite all the help he gave when he could, Michael had to work. No way around it. So it was just me and the kids and oh yeah, a polar vortex that kept us housebound and closed school more times than I could count. To say we were going stir crazy was an understatement. Ryan came down with his own version of the cold sometime in the middle of this. I’m really, truly done with kid snot. Really.
In total, at least one of us — mostly me — were sick for an entire month. It wasn’t until last week when I was finally able to take a strong breath, smell things and taste my food. It took a toll on us. As a mother, I felt like a failure. I was tired, grumpy, yelling. We did nothing fun. The boys fought and wrestled and yelled. Ryan climbed things and threw cars at his brother. Owen was defiant and pushed boundaries and yelled no all day long.
For a month, all I felt was guilt. I felt guilty when I sighed with relief after dropping Owen off at school, guilt for looking forward to nap time and bedtime like it was Christmas day. Guilt over the amount of television they were watching. (SO MUCH TV.) I felt guilty for not even smiling when Michael came in the door because I was just too burnt out. I was stretched thin and began to panic. If I feel this way now, how am I going to feel come June? Another baby, another little person with needs. That straw broke the camel’s back, and the tears came.
I woke up the following morning feeling better. Nothing was resolved, but it felt like a new day. A day where I could make a change. Now that I was healthy, it was time to work on my behavior and how I was relating to and dealing with the kids. The yelling, it needs to change. Look, I’m not naive. Sometimes I’m going to yell. Sometimes it will be warranted and hello, it’s part of life. But I don’t have to yell as much as I have been.
In my quest to Do Better, I stumbled across this post and it stopped me in my tracks. If you have a three-year old, you should look at that. Especially a three-and-a-half-year old. The behaviors listed are Owen to a tee right now, and made me feel SO much better. It’s not just him. It’s not just me. We’re all dealing with a crazy child at this age. Some of the less desirable traits (and don’t get me wrong, there’s some awesome stuff going on with him too. But, that’s now what this post is about. Ha!) that stood out to me were:
Three and a Half Years:
“Turbulent, troubled period of disequilibrium, the simples event or occasion can elicit total rebellion
New- found verbal ability “I’ll cut you in pieces!” and lots of whining
May refuse to do things a lot, or howl and scream, or say a lot of “I can’t” I won’t” kinds of things
Demanding, bossy, turbulent, troubled but mainly due to emotional insecurity
Mother-child relationship difficult but may also cling to mother
May refuse to take part in daily routine – may do better with almost anyone than Mother”
Oh yeah. That’s Owen right now. Throw in an equally strong willed 19-month old who is in a whiny stage, and you have a recipe for a crazy mother.
The follow-up piece to that post discussed dealing with those behaviors, and a big part of it was about how the parent handles it. I read this passage, teared up (of course), and the light bulb was turned on.
Which, of course, does not always mean that your child will “behave”. Many attached parents feel like failures when their children hit three or so, as the child’s sense of self and an increased need for boundaries start to come out. As a parent, you cannot count it as a “good day” if your child doesn’t cry or melt-down or not have a temper tantrum… You can count it as a “good day” if you were calm, if you helped to de-escalate the situation, if you held it together. And even then, please be easy with yourself! Living with small children can be challenging! This is about the path your child is taking as he or she grows and becomes their own person, this is not about you versus them. – The Parenting Passageway
So that’s where I stand today. I am determined to be a better mom. My poor little first pancake, Owen. I’m sorry I have to make the mistakes on you, buddy. You are blazing the parenting trail for me. Every day with you is something new and I want you to know I’m trying my best. Together we will make it through this crazy year — and all the crazy years that are to come. I love you, kiddo. So very much.
6 comments
Comments feed for this article
February 12, 2014 at 10:25 am
Judy (@judycs)
It’s hard to be mommy as it is, then add pregnant and sick to the mix, and finally a polar vortex (damn you, polar vortex!)…that all equals one hot ass mess! You’re doing it, the boys and baby are fine, and will continue to be fine! You love those boys to the moon and beyond and barely getting by is completely ok, because in the end, you got through to another day and that’s what matters! Just remember, 36 days until spring! LOL! Also, Owen and Ryan look so TALL in that picture! Oh my!
Hang in there, Molly!! 🙂
February 12, 2014 at 5:29 pm
Chris
I am so with you. After a miserable January and suddenly starting February off being home full-time in the middle of a snowstorm with a 2.5 year old…I am SO with you. Kudos to you for having TWO littles and being pregnant. I would probably have a much bigger breakdown. The kids will be fine and not remember this little bump in the road. 🙂 Soon it will be summer!! (In my mind that thought is making everything better…)
February 13, 2014 at 9:37 am
Candice
I only have one and run into the same things. I can only imagine how I’d be at my wits’ end with another and one on the way. That article you posted is great. It’s so useful to know you’re not the only one.
February 13, 2014 at 12:58 pm
Sarah
What a great post! This winter is terrible and will break even the strongest. I was seriously reading this post with a scared expression on my face and thinking, OMG I would break down on an HOURLY basis if I was faced with all this. A million bravos for just surviving all this.
The yelling is awful isn’t it? I struggle with raising my voice when I lose my patience with my husband and I hattteeee myself for it. I have a mantra that helps sometimes: “I’m angry but I can control myself.” I repeat it out loud when I feel the angry voice coming out!!
This is also a great blog about not yelling: http://theorangerhino.com/
February 13, 2014 at 2:49 pm
Erin
I was just having this EXACT conversation with my husband about parenting our now 4 (!!) year old. She is very filled with emotions at all time, about everything, and it is hard. I am very very quick to resort to yelling or snapping, and it drives me crazy every time I do it because I do not WANT to be that mom. I know I will sometimes, but I just needed to find a different way to relate to my daughter – I have been so much kinder to her the past few days and it’s felt good. She’s still had countless meltdowns, but that last quote is exactly right – it’s a good day if *I* can control ME – and MY reaction to her. I will never be able to “control” her or her emotions. Best get started on realizing that now!!
February 16, 2014 at 10:26 pm
Tanya
Oh man that is tough. Since having kids I have found it is a very delicate balance keeping my inner zen intact. I seem to be able to take one, two maybe even three ‘extra stressors’ and then find that any more makes it all come toppling down. And it is usually totally crushing. I think we have all been there and you are a great mum just for the fact that you acknowledge that you are not perfect and are willing to work on it for the sake of your kids. Hang in there 🙂