I wrote this post about a month ago, and I wasn’t sure if I was going to publish it. At the time, I was ragged; emotionally raw. And SO TIRED. A month has passed, and now I feel comfortable sharing these feelings because I think it’s important to do so. In the weeks since I wrote this, the Blues have passed and I am so thankful for that. And while sleep still is challenging, we’re getting FOUR HOUR STRETCHES WOO HOO!!!! and that makes a world of difference. It’s amazing how much can change in a month!
~
Owen is one month old today. One month! The past four weeks have alternately flown by and dragged at a snail’s pace. We’ve been initiated into Parenthood and while I wouldn’t give him up for all the stilettos in the world, I have to be perfectly honest and say this month has not been easy for me.
I read a lot about emotions postpartum because I had a sneaky suspicion I might be susceptible to Postpartum Depression. I’m a very sensitive and emotional person without crazy hormones, and I saw how pregnancy hormones affected my moods from day-to-day. So I made sure I was informed and able to notice the signs of depression if it decided to sneak up on me after birth.
I don’t have full-blown Postpartum Depression, but I certainly have a bit of the baby blues.
Owen came into this world screaming (as you will read about soon) and hasn’t stopped yet. In general, if he’s not eating or sleeping, he’s fussing. Not always, but most of the time. Strong-willed baby? Maybe. Colic? Perhaps.
Eat. Sleep. Poop.
CRY.
He was born on a Saturday and my family was with us until Wednesday. Which meant for five days he was basically held exclusively and slept pretty well. But then they left, and it was just us…new parents, new baby. My milk came in and my chest tripled in size, engulfing my child’s head (freaky!). They were so full and hard that it was difficult for him to eat. His latch wasn’t correct yet, so breastfeeding hurt. A LOT.
He cried. And cried, and cried, and cried.
He wouldn’t sleep in the bassinet, only on my chest in bed. I loved the feeling of his little body on me, but was terrified I’d smother him in my sleep.
One night during the first week, somewhere around 3 a.m., I walked into the bedroom, placed my wailing baby in Michael’s arms, walked into the nursery, and collapsed on the floor and sobbed.
I still get teary thinking about that moment, because it was a low for me. I felt so overwhelmed. I felt like I was failing at motherhood already. My child was hungry and I couldn’t give him enough food to make him stop crying. My child was tired, and I couldn’t make him fall asleep.
Week One was hard.
Slowly, very slowly, things started to get better. Together, we learned how to breastfeed. (I’m going to dedicate a whole post to it because I think it’s important to share.) The more he ate, the more milk I made and the happier we were as a lot. We started to figure each other out a little more. Though he’s still too young for a real routine, I began to understand when he was hungry, when he was wet, when he wanted attention.
Week Two wasn’t so bad.
The evening that ushered in Week Three changed everything. He wouldn’t sleep. He was up every 45 minutes crying, wanting to eat. I would stare at the clock each time he woke, bleary-eyed from both exhaustion and tears wondering what happened to the progress we had made.
I cried a lot that week. Not to the severity of the night in the nursery, but still. In his quiet moments, I would look at my son and my eyes would fill with tears of pure happiness, joy and wonderment. And then he would wake up screaming and the tears would change to frustration and confusion.
Week Three. Oh my, week three.
And now, now he’s four weeks old. After four nights of no sleep and lots of mutual tears during week three, he’s finally back to three or two and half hour stretches at night between feedings. We’ve got breastfeeding DOWN and it no longer hurts. He will sleep in the bassinet — for a while.
This is good. This is really good.
But I still get sad. And I still get emotional. And sometimes I have to put him in his father’s arms and walk aways for a minute when the crying gets too much, because it’s not his fault that gas is making his belly hurt or he’s over-tired. It’s not his fault that crying is his only means of communication and that I haven’t slept. (OK, maybe that last one is a little bit his fault.)
Most of the women I’ve talked to have been more than eager to share their pregnancy and birth stories, offer advice on nursing and show off pictures of their babies. Some, but not too many of them have looked into my eyes and said, “It was hard for me too.” It’s not something people like to talk about, but I think it’s important that we do.
It’s a huge adjustment, this mommy thing. Not sleeping, caring for another human, having them attached to your chest every two hours or so all day and night. I wanted to write this post to let those who are going through it now, have been there or will go through it eventually know that it’s OK. And it’s normal! And it will pass.
And it was hard for me too.
I love my baby, my son. I love him more intensely and differently than I’ve ever loved anyone before. And every day the Blues are getting better and less frequent, to the point where sometimes when he cries, I just laugh at the quivering bottom lip and kiss his wrinkly forehead before scooping him into my arms to settle his sadness.
I dry his tears and he dries mine.
One month of motherhood down, a wonderful lifetime to go.
32 comments
Comments feed for this article
August 20, 2010 at 11:56 am
Kaley
I am totally fist pumping you and this post right now because, YES.
Girl, I was THERE. RIGHT THERE. I could feel all of the emotions in my own memory with almost every word you wrote.
I’m sorry that it’s been rough. And really, there’s nothing else – no advice, no wisdom to share – other than to say, I feel for you.
Thanks for sharing, though. Because you’re absolutely right when you said that people don’t generally talk about the hard times, and it’s like if we do we’re ‘bad mothers.’ Whatever. Nobody has a perfect baby and nobody is a perfect mother, and if we can’t all band together in agreement that there are times that totally suck and make us want to rip out every hair that’s on our head, well then, we’re completely delusional.
I was criticized a little bit for being real on my blog about my trials when Avalon was young, but I’m so glad I shared what I did, in hopes that someone would read that, relate to the situation, and let out a breath of relief knowing that she’s not alone.
And I’m sure that there’s another new mom out there who just read this and is doing exactly that –
xo
August 20, 2010 at 12:10 pm
heidikins
I’ve never had a baby–but this post made me all teary anyway. Thank you for being honest, and raw, and emotional. Thank you for this post that has been filed away in my Things to Expect When I’m a Mommy stack. If/when I have similar experiences I will know that I’m not alone.
Seriously, Miss Molly, thank you a million times over.
xox
August 20, 2010 at 12:39 pm
kalen
I completely collapsed too, around the same time, actually. I called my mom while my husband held her, and I bawled on the phone for a solid hour, followed by 2 or 3 more hours of crying afterwards.
These have been the hardest & most rewarding weeks of my life. They have drastically changed who I am as a person. There have been times where I just wanted her back in my tummy, so badly, where I could protect her and not have to hear her cry. There have been times where I actually *understood* why some women run/leave their families with young children because they feel overwhelmed and lost. I grasped my husband so tightly one night that it almost hurt him.
This post is very honest, and that’s what mothers need to hear. I truly believe that the intensity of the love for a child is so strong that it pulls you in both directions violently – sad & depressed and elated & hopeful. It is just an intensity that takes time getting used to, and I’m glad it sounds like you’re adjusting now. ❤ I still have times where I feel like I can't do it, but I'm pushing forward because the times where she smiles/coos make up for it!
August 20, 2010 at 1:01 pm
schmei
My sister had her first baby in March, and she’s told me several times that those first weeks were, in her words, “dark days”. Beyond that she has trouble describing it.
My coworker referred to it as being “hit” with postpartum hormones, similar to being hit by a truck. It’s interesting that some version of this happens to every new mother, but I’ve heard so few accounts of it.
Thank you for writing about it and thank you for posting this. I’m sure this will help someone else. And I’m glad you’re through the worst of it.
August 20, 2010 at 1:12 pm
Rachel
I felt the EXACT same way…and eleven years later, I still remember like it was yesterday. My mantra once I was able to see through the tears was “this too shall pass” and it remains my mantra to this day. Through every phase, I had to repeat it to myself. Through the weaning, through giving up the pacifier, through potty training, through nights of her puking, through the first day of kindergarten, through a harsh teacher in first grade, to frustrations over homework, in the midst pre-puberty sassiness(as we speak). It passes, it really does! Hang in there, tough stuff, you can do it!!! Glad you’re better 🙂
August 20, 2010 at 1:48 pm
Lindsey
I am so glad you shared this. I am giving birth in late October and am v. worried about how I will get by on little sleep (i.need.sleep). And, the blogs I usually read just share the happy moments. I would rather read about the real/raw moments. For some reason, it helps prepare me.
Thank you so much,
Lindsey
August 20, 2010 at 2:14 pm
Cat
I just wanted to say bravo for being so honest! Depression is something too few people talk openly about. People shouldn’t be ashamed of their struggles and suffer silently through those dark days.
I’ve never had any experience with post-partum depression or “the baby blues,” but I have had experience with depression and the possibility of having post-partum depression is something that concerns me and is always at the back of my mind. On top of that, I have a genetic predisposition to depression so there’s the worry that I’ll pass it on to my future child should I choose to be a mother one day. So just hearing stories of people being able to fight through it gives me some comfort.
August 20, 2010 at 2:35 pm
Jules
Thank you for such an honest post.
Even the most exciting, happy times can bring tears and low points (esp. when such powerful hormonal fluctuations are at play!), and it’s perfectly legitimate to share both the highs and the lows. The taboo against discussing sadness/depressed mood/Depression is a real shame, especially given how common these feelings are to so many peoples’ experiences.
Thanks for not buying into that stigma! You set an excellent example by sharing a balanced perspective.
I hope you’re able to get more and more uninterrupted sleep with each coming week. Hang in there 🙂
August 20, 2010 at 2:48 pm
qu33nbee
Really great post. I think every mom has been there.
Well, unlike you, my ‘blues’ didn’t pass. They only got worse. At my 6 week postpartum doctor appointment, I told him that I was struggling. To the point that it was affecting my relationship with my boyfriend.
I still break down sometimes. I still hand her off to daddy when every ounce of my being wants to make her stop crying, yet I can’t figure out how. When her cries break my heart…
Admitting I needed help wasn’t easy. My dad had to sit me down and tell me that ‘Bee, You’re NOT Superwoman.’ There never was a perfect mom, and to quit being hard on myself for not being the first.
Every day is a challenge, especially after going back to work. When I was home all day, napping when she napped was no problem for me at all. But now, being with her all night and up all day is difficult to say the least.
August 20, 2010 at 3:45 pm
Sandy
Thank you for such an honest post! You’re right – these things need to be shared among us women…and they aren’t shared often enough. I remember with my first baby feeling like such a failure because NO ONE ELSE that I knew of would admit to the same feelings that I was having. And that made things 100x worse, in my opinion.
I’m glad that each day gets better…it will continue to do so. And trust me, if you have another one, the second one is easier. Not that the baby itself will be easier, but you’ll be better equipped to deal with it all. The crying, the fussiness, the lack of sleep…somehow it’s expected the second time around and easier to handle somehow.
No one can fully explain how it will be. You have to go through it, sort of trial by fire. But you will survive, and those horrific first days fade in your mind just like the worst parts of childbirth do…it’s all part of the process, I think!
Good luck! And hang in there!
August 20, 2010 at 4:10 pm
KT
I think that this post is really important to put out there. I don’t have a kid, but you just don’t hear about this too often.
I’m happy to hear that you are feeling better!
August 20, 2010 at 4:18 pm
rachellutterman
Oh Molly! I’m so glad you wrote about this. I went through the same thing with my daughter M. Now I’m pregnant with my second one and reading this reminded me of how I felt during those first few weeks. I’m hoping I can handle a second one, and I’m terrified that it will be harder then it was the first time, but your memories are helping me to get through mine. Thank you for being so brave!
August 20, 2010 at 4:49 pm
Kari
Thanks for being honest. Too many people only tell the good stuff for fear of being judged. But if we were all honest about the hard times, no one would be judged. Thanks for sharing!
August 20, 2010 at 5:27 pm
Kez
Thankyou so much for your honesty. I think your post is important too. I don’t have children but want some soon(ish) and I often wonder if I will be susceptible to post partum depression because I have had a few very stressful years and I get emotional easily.
I wish more new mums would be open and honest about the blues and depression because then no-one would be scared they were alone and pathetic for not feeling like they’re coping.
August 20, 2010 at 5:45 pm
Aly @ Breathe Gently
This is why we love you, M – because you share the good and also the tougher moments. I think it’s perfectly natural – and I know, just know, that I’ll be there with you – and there’s nothing wrong with that!
Big hugs to you guys, I’m glad things are rolling on along – and you’re both learning as you go. He’s the sweetest little man; I get all clucky everytime I see new pictures of him. x
August 20, 2010 at 7:18 pm
Abby
This post is awesome, even though I am not a mother and probably half a decade will pass before I have a baby. I absolutely love your honesty about your struggles. I think some degree of stress and breakdown is normal for something as big as this. And I’m so glad that you’re adjusting.
My mom told me that it was pretty hard learning how to breastfeed, so I’m looking forward to this post.
August 20, 2010 at 9:54 pm
Jess
Thank you for such an honest look into what the beginning is really like! I’m having my first in February and the postpartum blues scare me even more than even giving birth!
Have you ever read dooce.com? If not, go read her archives (Or her book “It Sucked and then I Cried”) because she actually checked herself into the hospital after her daughter was born because she was so depressed-she is the only other person I’ve found who has written very honestly about her baby blues-how awful it was, and how she overcame it (And she’s super funny too)
I’m glad that things are getting easier every day for you guys!
August 21, 2010 at 1:17 am
Candice
I’m glad you were so honest about this. I’m lucky enough to have a baby who’s slept through the night since we came home from the hospital, but there will still dark moments where I would cry and feel helpless in the middle of the afternoon because he wouldn’t nap and I couldn’t find two minutes to myself and I was by myself every day (I am not cut out to be a SAHM). Plus, I really wanted to breastfeed but wasn’t able to b/c of breast surgery I had (my milk never came in) and I spend a lot of time being sad about that (he’s 15 weeks now and I still tear up thinking about it). It’s so hard. It seems so simple, but there’s something about it that’s so hard. I found myself so torn between knowing I needed to take some time for myself, even if it was just a few hours, and feeling like I was a bad mother for wanting those few hours.
The more we can all share this, the better. Brava.
August 21, 2010 at 2:11 am
Cate Subrosa
Thank you for posting this, Molly.
(It just gets better and better.)
August 21, 2010 at 9:22 am
Carrie
Good for you. I remember when I would comment on how freaking hard those first few months are and people would say this was easiest part, wait till she’s walking, a teen, etc. That’s B.S. It is the hardest part.
First you’ve just gone through the hardest thing you can ever put your body through and instead of resting you have to care for a newborn. You are under tremendous stress and the steepest learning curve ever. You are getting little to no sleep, little to no food, there are no real breaks. Plus your hormones are all messed up. You spend nine months with your hormone levels going through the roof and then post-partum they crash. Nothing is harder than this time.
But know that it gets better. Every day gets better until you look back and it doesn’t seem so scary. And then you decide you want another one. Ha, ha!
August 21, 2010 at 2:28 pm
Wiz
Your words took me back. I remember those feelings of helplessness. I would dread the night. I would just look at the clock and start crying knowing that I would not get much sleep. It does get better as it sounds like you are already experiencing!! Thanks for the honest post. I just love your blog.
August 21, 2010 at 2:50 pm
Navigating the Mothership
Thanks for sharing! You already know that I experienced something similar and I totally agree with what Carrie (a couple comments before this one) said about the first few months being the hardest. The baby is fragile, you’re fragile, your world has been turned on it’s head – that’s hard stuff! As time went on my body regulated and my emotions regulated and I wasn’t so scared about having a baby anymore. Bella just seemed sturdier and I felt more competent. I’m glad that the baby blues stayed just that for you and didn’t develop into pp depression.
And just an FYI, I found that finally getting my period after 14 months triggered some of the dramatic mood swings again. The tearfulness and stuff. Just something to be aware of! I’ve also heard that weaning can trigger some emotional upheaval, too. Sigh. Good old hormones.
August 21, 2010 at 8:40 pm
Karen
I don’t have a baby but I just wanted to say thanks for sharing this very personal story. I hope things will continue to improve.
August 22, 2010 at 4:57 pm
Nicole
thanks so much for sharing this Molly. My first 2 weeks with my daughter, she’s exactly a month old now, were very dark and depressing. It made me cry to read this b/c it took me right back there. My issues were all focused on breastfeeding and the challenges involved but I can relate to a baby that won’t be soothed or settled b/c mine wouldn’t due to being hungry all the time.
I’m sure you’ve heard of this but we found that Dr. Karp’s ‘Happiest Baby on the Block’ has really helped us get our daughter soothed when nothing else works. I’d highly suggest it for anyone.
Really looking forward to the breastfeeding posting.
Nicole
August 22, 2010 at 8:20 pm
kes81
Hi Molly, this is Keri. What a great post! I am not a mother yet but I applaud all of you who are. And I agree that it is important to open the doors of communication to let new mommies know it’s not all fun and joy. It’s really, REALLY hard as well.
Here’s to the days and months improving and more sleep! 🙂
August 22, 2010 at 11:41 pm
Mrs T
Thank you for this post. My best friends just had a baby – and I know that she felt nearly exactly like this – and she felt so ashamed to say anything to anyone. I tried to tell her that I am sure everyone feels this way, it’s just no one likes to talk about it. I sent her this post. She felt better, more normal. So thanks for sharing.
August 23, 2010 at 3:33 pm
Crystal
I am so glad you wrote this. I have certainly been there. And you will continue to have these moments. My son is now 14 months old and we are dealing with everything that comes along with toddlerhood: fits, molars, no more nursing, no more pacifiers…and I am pregnant again! There have been times where I just feel like I HAVE to get away from this child for little bit. I feel terrible for it, but it happens…usually after he has been up all night screaming because his molars are coming in. It’s not pretty, but it doesn’t make us bad moms. It makes us human.
I also remember nursing struggles well. At four months, my milk started to dry up. Nothing I did seemed to help, and my doctor told me it might just be my body’s way of telling me it couldn’t handle nursing. I was devastated. The first time I gave my son formula I cried. He could have cared less, but I felt like a terrible mom. When I told people I wasn’t nursing anymore, I dealt with a lot of judgment, and a lot of “Well, did you try this…” Yes, I tried everything! It was actually one of the worst things I have ever gone though. The highs of motherhood are high, but the lows are sometimes very low.
Sorry this has been a novel. Please know you aren’t alone in this!
August 24, 2010 at 10:44 am
Veronica
THE FIRST MONTH MONTH SUCKED! There I said it, I hated that whole stinking month, yet I put a smile on my face and pretended that it was wonderful. It sucked so bad that I have managed to forget most of it. But my first month was very hard due to physical damage that was done. I didn’t experience the baby blues or PPD, but maybe I did a little bit cause I was very overwhelmed by my hard to please (aka screaming) infant.
The hardest part was trying to express to others how much I physically hurt, I get all teary just thinking of the pain I was in and how others just ignored it and were not sympathetic to what I was feeling. Thank god my hubby “got it”, he was my crutch that entire time, literally I could barely walk or stand for 4 weeks, that made careing for my girl so hard, but he was right there for me helping me heal by doing all the things that I couldn’t do. Ok now I am actually crying – no body could have prepared me for or warned me that I could be so severly “damaged” by giving birth. The body is an amazing thing – and now I am healed, but you couldn’t pay me a gazillion dollars to go back to those first 4 weeks.
Here I am about to celebrate my little girls 5 month birthday – and I can honestly say that I have enjoyed the past 4 months! and the smile is real!
August 24, 2010 at 3:39 pm
Kasia Fink
Oh Molly dear, me too, me toooo. I wish I could hug you right now. xoxoxoxoxo
August 24, 2010 at 3:48 pm
Diana
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I am in my first trimester and much of the stuff I read on blogs, forums and such doesn’t talk much about the tough times. As a soon to be mother, I think it’s really helpful to know the good and the not so good, so I can be prepared and know that if things are really hard, that it will be okay. There is so much pressure on women to be supermoms and every little decision from feeding to diapering to sleeping is criticized and judged by others. It’s so powerful to hear moms who don’t have all the answers, who are searching for the right answers for them and their child, and to find their way as new moms.
August 30, 2010 at 11:21 am
Erin
Thank you so much for giving such an honest look at the first month with a newborn! My baby girl is now 7 months old, and those first 2 months were quite rough. I felt pretty much exactly how you describe, and when I wrote about it on my blog, I got so many people who were saying how thankful they were for my honesty and that they felt that way too, but a few (namely, my mom) saying I shouldn’t be so open about saying things like “I wish I could trade my baby in for a better model” 😉 (all jokes!! or…. were they??)
A blog I read put into words something that I totally relate with as well:
When people say to a new mother in the throes of newborndom: Honey, I’m sorry, it does get better,, what they mean is: Honey, this is rough but if you can just hang on you have 1001 magical moments ahead of you and you cannot imagine how happy he will make you. This is such a small price to pay for the thrill of being his mama. It gets better, and then it gets AMAZING. So hang on. (http://www.mytworedshoes.com/)
Yes, it definitely does get better (which I didn’t really believe at the time) but that doesn’t mean there aren’t hard moments yet to come. I still think no hard moment even close to compares to those first few weeks, however. We’ll see if I’m still saying that when she’s a teenager 🙂
August 30, 2010 at 3:37 pm
Anna
Oh my, so true, every word. You are so in the trenches right now, and you will look back and just remember a blur.
And then you will put them on the bus for first grade and cry all over again.