I love my friends. A lot. Unfortunately, one of them is moving away at the end of the summer and while my favorite RI lady is still here, she’s ready to spread her wings and explore a new local. If/when that happens, I’m kind of going to be stuck here alone.
Now yes, I have other friends, but these ladies are two of my closest and at 26 years old, I’m kind of at a loss as to where to meet new ones if they up and leave. I’m not pregnant, so showing up at Mommy and Me classes would just label me as creepy and that’s not a great way to start off a friendship. I’m not in college, so there’s no classes or dorm hallways to meet someone. And there might be Match.com for dating, but even friend sites like Facebook aren’t really a friend breeding ground.
I was thinking about this at 9 a.m. as I lay on my back at physical therapy waiting for the PT to come back in and remove the elctrodes from my arm. I like my PT. I like her a lot. We have a lot to talk about during my bi-weekly visit and she’s funny. She’s totally the type of person I can see myself grabbing a drink with, except, I have no idea how to go about that.
How exactly does one make friends? It has always seemed so organic in the past so I can’t really pinpoint a moment where two people go from acquaintances to a real life friendship.
I haven’t dated in, oh, seven years, and when I did date, well, I didn’t have to do a lot of work. If making friends is like dating, then I think I need a refresher course because it looks like I’m going to have to do some legwork.
Want to be my friend?
These Little Moments 
51 comments
Comments feed for this article
March 10, 2009 at 10:12 am
The Cubicle's backporch
I have yet to make a friend in the area we live. Luckily I’m only an hours drive from my two best friends and we still hang out every so often.
March 10, 2009 at 10:14 am
Jaxie
I’ll be your friend! I’ve often wondered how in the world to go about this as well. Crazy how life goes, isn’t it?
March 10, 2009 at 10:20 am
Sara
I AM your friend…and I may have fallen off the face of the earth while we finish this stupid house, but in 2 more months I will be back! Buffet and shoes anyone?
March 10, 2009 at 10:26 am
fritz
ahh miss molly! i ask myself the same question on a daily basis. i have found myself in the same situation here in hartford, sure there are people i like at work, but how does one go about the outside of work type thing…if you get any answers let me know. and dont feel bad about not having a kid yet, because some of the people you meet through kid activities leave you wanting to never go back to said kid event…just saying!
March 10, 2009 at 10:34 am
Judy
I know how you feel! It’s so awkward and hard to make new friends as an adult.
It’s so very much like dating, should you call? Should you just text? Drop an email?
I hate this feeling…you don’t want to ask everyone you meet, “hey! You want to be friends?”, but there are those few you meet that you’re intrigued by and would love to get to know them. When you do meet new people, then it’s weird, because they obviously have established friendships and then you meet their friends and it’s just another round of having to measure up. So, in my opinion, it’s like dating and it’s scary!
I’ll totally be your friend, but I live in Chicago….
March 10, 2009 at 10:39 am
Stephanie
I found myself in the same boat as you do Molly…My best friend moved across the state a couple of years ago and now we rarely see each other… I’m not very outgoing, and I work from home so its hard to meet new people…It was so much easier in the days of elementary school where you walk up to someone and ask them if they want to be friends…or at least that’s how I did it anywawy. LOL
March 10, 2009 at 10:40 am
Abby
I know exactly how you feel! Meeting people in your mid-20’s is hard. If you meet someone funny/cool/potentially “friend-worthy” how do you go about even contacting them? Ask them for their phone number? Find them on Facebook and potentially look like a stalker? 🙂
March 10, 2009 at 10:41 am
DevilsHeaven
Oh yeah. You’d think it’d be easier as you get older, but not so much. This is where getting involved in things you like would help, joining some kind of group or something. I’m guessing here.
March 10, 2009 at 11:01 am
Maya
I’ve actually met a lot of great people through twitter. When I moved across the country I started following people in my city who seemed nice and interesting, and while they didn’t all turn into real life friendships, a few of them have become my closest friends here! Meeting people on the internet isn’t nearly as horrifying as it used to be, & twitter’s perfect because you can really get a feel for someone based on how many followers they have, what they talk about, and how they respond to you.
March 10, 2009 at 11:04 am
Joy
It is so funny that you mentioned this, because I just went through this situation a few months ago. It’s so so much more difficult to make new friends as an adult, isn’t it? Something about everyone having “baggage” by their mid-twenties and having to dump enough personal information on a new person in order for them to be “close” is disconcerting. It’s not as easy as sitting down in class the first day of college and meeting your soul sister, is it?
I met the girlfriend of a good guyfriend a few months ago. She seemed really cool, and all of her friends had just moved away. I mustered up some courage, emailed her out of the blue and BAM we hit it off. She’s now one of my best friends, and I didn’t know her at all 6 months ago.
I would totally be your friend, if you lived in New Orleans, btw.
March 10, 2009 at 11:12 am
Allison
Molly, it is like you stole this post from my brain! How the hell does one go about making friends in adulthood without poaching them from work?! As grateful as I am to have a telecommuting job I can do pretty much anywhere while we are moving around the USA, it doesn’t help me make any friends in my current location! Ha! I have lots of really good friends back home in Indiana or spread out across the country, all of whom I’ve known at least 7 years or longer, two I’ve known since kindergarten.
I keep hearing from people that I should join a gym and go to yoga class. I’m not exactly the type. I’m planning to join AIGA (an association for graphic designers) and a spouse organization on the Air Force base (however, most of these ladies are older or have many babies). Someone else has suggested that I volunteer, but what else is there? Do my blog readers count as friends!?
March 10, 2009 at 11:13 am
mallory
I totally agree with you! I’m also feeling to need to replenish my friend supply lately.
I often meet someone who I seem to click with. But it just feels super creepy to ask “Want to get together sometime?” or “Can I have your number?”, I can’t make myself do it! Its very hard to move to the hanging out phase.
I also am in the market for couples that Mike and I can hang out with, but that is also quite difficult as 4 people have to all click.
So, yes I’m in the same boat.
March 10, 2009 at 11:22 am
kim
try the site meetup.com – you can find people with similar interests and meet up – for book clubs, museums, movies, anything. Also – look for sports groups if you’re into it – in boston we have the Boston ski and sports club, and the fun social sports group – you can join teams and make friends!
March 10, 2009 at 11:28 am
http://yourrealwedding.blogspot.com/
don’t you see you have friends? all of them are talking to you here, even you aren’t answering – at least me. so I’m stil writing you….
March 10, 2009 at 11:33 am
Dan
Friends happen fast and slow, but the one thing that I’ve found is that they happen when I least expect it.
If one is involved in face-to-face activities that interest you, it just seems that friendships form. Sometimes even when expressly not looking for friends.
March 10, 2009 at 11:41 am
andhari
Was just thinking of the same thing. My bestfriends go and scatter all over the world. I always feel solitary. Sure I got random friends here and there but just not the same, you know? I’m so mellow.
ps. Aren’t we friends? 🙂
March 10, 2009 at 11:46 am
gibsondog
I totally feel your pain. It sort of feels like a break-up, even though its not.
I met a couple of good friends taking up a sport (running). There are several running sites that will connect you with people who are looking for running partners. Another great way to meet people is simply checking out whats going on in your area. Such as local volunteer groups, events and clubs … Craigslist.com
March 10, 2009 at 12:02 pm
LSM
I second the suggestion that you volunteer. It’s a great way to meet people with common interests. Does your town have a Junior League? I know many people have a stereotypical view of that group (white gloves, ladies who lunch), but it’s really not that way anymore. The added benefit is that it’s all women and typically a younger demographic, so you’d be putting yourself into a “target-rich environment” for making friends. I’ve been a member of our League for eleven years and have met a huge number of people through it. It’s also a good networking opportunity. This is the time of year that most Leagues are doing membership recruiting, so it’s worth a web search for details.
March 10, 2009 at 12:17 pm
alisa
Haha … I’m sheepishly glad to see so many people share your thoughts (so much so I am de-lurking for the third time). I too wonder how to go about making friends in your late twenties. I moved to my current locale 2 years ago and have a good amount of “friends” that I’ve met through sports leagues but none that I would consider “close.” I suggest just telling your PT something along the lines of your post here. Maybe invite her to a homeshow, art show, or trivia night at a bar and see where it goes 🙂
March 10, 2009 at 12:23 pm
humanbeingblog
Totally feel your pain, but OMG, Junior League? My experience with that was too many pearls, too much disposable income and too much snobbery for my taste. Oh, and good cookbooks.
In terms of your PT, do this:
You: Hey, have you ever been to [insert bar name]? I’ve been thinking about checking it out.
Her: Why, no I haven’t. I’ve thought about checking it out too.
You: Want to go together? That way we won’t look like two lonely desperate girls scarfing down drinks.
Or, seriously, just ask her out. It’s not creepy. Just say, hey, we seem to get along and have a lot in common. Could we grab a drink sometime? I asked out my hairdresser once, to lunch, and now we’re great friends.
The only ways I’ve made friends as a grown up are these: 1) doing things, like taking a class. I just got together with 3 women I met in a poetry class 12 years ago. We’ve been friends that long just because we worked on metaphors together. 2) volunteering, which is like work, and you usually have something in common with them. 3) work. Sometimes work friends are cool.
The bottom line is if you want friends, you have to make the effort. But don’t join Junior League. Seriously scary.
March 10, 2009 at 12:29 pm
Alie
I totally get this. I left for a year to work on a campaign and returned home to a place where I feel totally out of place and where the people I considered good friends were really just acquaintances. And it sucks. I’m 26, too, and feel like I’m a fish out of water in terms of knowing where to start finding friends. The people that I do meet all have solid friendships with people from way back when and I quite often feel like an interloper in their lives and friendships. Nevertheless, I’ll keep trying. In other news, it’s a bit of a relief, for me at least, knowing that I can broaden my job search (trouble with campaigns is you know exactly when you’re gonna end up unemployed, heh) to the entire country since I don’t have much holding me here and the three awesomely fantastic friends I do have here at home totally support this and are committed to visiting me no matter where I go.
I wish you the best of luck with everything. If we were in the same city, I’d totally be your friend and we could head to the local coffee house for some chai and job hunting. 😉
March 10, 2009 at 12:33 pm
heidikins
Take a class, either at a gym or something crafty/arty or intellectual (um…Photoshop counts as “intellectual” in my book). Plan a blogger meet-up, sure they may not live in your neighborhood, but these online friends could segue into something less “virtual”.
Now, if only I lived in RI.
xox
March 10, 2009 at 12:36 pm
Michelle & the City
i had a similar problem when i moved to columbus, not really knowing anyone. it has taken me a few years but i’ve finally developed a good solid group of friends. my suggestion would be to join a community activity or local young professional group. i met most of my friends playing sand volleyball in a local pick-up tournament they play every week. i don’t know if they have one in RI, but i know there are several young professionals clubs nationwide that have mixers/events almost weekly. also, maybe community service work? i met a friend of mine volunteering over the summer.
and of course, if i lived closer you know we would totally be shopping buddies!
March 10, 2009 at 12:39 pm
The New Black
I know this might sound weird, but you find them online. Yep, meetup.com! There are groups for everything on here! I joined one group for couples and it worked out great. They have ones for just girls to, but I didn’t want to go on my own, so I only signed up for couples the couples and it was so much fun!! We made friends with a few other couples there and now we regularly go out together and us girls get together on our own quite a bit too. Since finding our friends at the first event we haven’t gone back, but would definitely recommend it. Really, you should definitely try it out.
March 10, 2009 at 1:39 pm
ms. changes pants while driving
i’ve been thinking about this a bit, too. i heard that when we get older, our circle of friends tightens and shrinks. you don’t have time for the crap you did when you were younger. i have my sister, my built-in best friend, so i always have that to fall back on.
as far as meeting people? good lord. i have no idea. i mean, obviously, the office. i don’t know how to go about asking the PT chick out. maybe just spit it out?
“hey, we should grab drinks.” as you stare longingly into her eyes. heh. just kidding about the eyes.
you can borrow my sister.
March 10, 2009 at 1:43 pm
colleen
Sure, I will be your friend! I have met some great friends lately (and I have a lot in real life as well, don’t think I am creepy lol) on local internet message boards. You just start talking about things, go to one of the local get-togethers, and there you go! i know it’s hard at this age though – if we don’t like the people we work with, who else do we spend time with?
March 10, 2009 at 2:00 pm
a little this and that… « Run, Knit, Get Hitched!
[…] WILL be things to blog about soon…but for now I will just point you into the direction of a funny and very true post I read this morning over on “These Little […]
March 10, 2009 at 2:45 pm
bing
Most of my post-college friends have come from meeting them through work, then getting to know their friends, until we are one big group. I’ve also met a ton of people through T’s work. And we’ve all inter-mingled so everyone hangs out.
My other suggestion would be to join a professional organization where you can attend networking events – that seems to be a great way to meet new people. Or join up with a adult kickball or volleyball league.
March 10, 2009 at 2:45 pm
Mrs. Smith
Ugh, I know exactly how you feel! I never knew it could be so difficult to make friends…but here I am, 6 months after moving to a new city, with pretty much 0 friends. Boo!
Let’s be friends!
March 10, 2009 at 3:36 pm
mb
humanbeingblog: I gotta jump in here and defend Junior League. It is only “seriously scary” if by ‘scary’ you mean ‘awesome.’ I’ve been in it for three years and it has been a great way for me to get involved in the city i moved to and a great way to network and meet people. I’m sure that some Leagues are better than others (in terms of diversity, involvement, etc.) but to slam them all in one fell swoop is poor form.
The mission statement of the Junior League is to be “an organization of women committed to promoting voluntarism, developing the potential of women, and improving the community through the effective action and leadership of trained volunteers.” It is a fantastic organization that is beneficial both for its members (it feels great to help out those less fortunate, it provides great leadership experience, great networks, etc.) and for the people who are positively impacted by its philanthropic work and charitable giving. So, while you may have had a negative experience, I’m offended by your comments and your adamancy about not joining it. You should understand that your negative experience is not the end all be all and, in fact, I’d venture to say that you’re in the vast minority.
Molly: If you’re interested in at least learning more about the RI League (which you should be! JL is awesome!), check out http://www.jlri.org. I didn’t see a single person wearing pearls in any of the pictures. 😉
March 10, 2009 at 3:36 pm
bookishpenguin
If only I had known how hard it was to make friends as an adult, I might have tried harder to make and hold onto friends in my teen years.
March 10, 2009 at 3:44 pm
Amy
I’m also suffering from the friends moving away issue, and while I like the ladies I teach with, they are upwards of 20 years older than me. I live with my boyfriend, who’s fabulous and my best friend, but meeting new girlfriends when you’re our age and NOT a mom seems incredibly difficult.
I live in CA, but I will so totally be your friend.
March 10, 2009 at 4:05 pm
Kathleen
I’m in a similar situation. I mainly just hang out with my family now. I love making new friends, but I don’t feel like I’m very good at it.
March 10, 2009 at 7:16 pm
Kez
It will happen 🙂
I think we make the mistake of thinking we have to become soulmates with someone, but building up that shared history you share with your oldest, bestest friends takes time! This is something I came to realise lately.
I met some awesome girls at university and for the first year we were mostly acquaintances and didn’t do anything together outside of class. By the second year we felt so close that we can’t imagine doing our degree with anyone else and we’re always hanging out at special occasions and confiding in each other. Third year is just THE BEST!
It takes time but baby steps ok?
Just take up invitations when they’re offered and don’t have too many expectations – grab a coffee or something 🙂
Ugh this is one of those preachy comments – my apologies!
March 10, 2009 at 7:28 pm
Cee
I have been wondering this lately myself as well. I have a few “groups” of friends that I hang out with, but I had a falling out with one of my closest friends a few months ago.
In the end, I think it’s probably better that we don’t hang out anymore given the circumstances, but it’s definitely weird since we completely do not speak anymore.
One of my other closest friends is about to move away with her fiance b/c he’s going to med school, and I’m kind of at a loss. I have other friends, but it seems like everyone is pretty engrained in their own worlds – most of them are married w/ kids now so going out on a Friday night is kind of not an option.
It’s just weird.
March 10, 2009 at 7:35 pm
Cee
Oh – and I totally agree w/ MB re: the Junior League. Every area/league is different.
March 10, 2009 at 8:51 pm
Molly Cole
Molly I have the a similar problem. I find it hard to make new friend figuring out the right place to go is really hard for me. could you take some classes that interest you maybe you could meet people who have similar hobbies. And I will be your friend if you want.
March 10, 2009 at 10:40 pm
A Super Girl
I just wrote about this, too. One of my closest friends is also getting ready to move, and I’m feeling a bit at odds. I wish I had the answers on making new friends. I think (as with dating) you have to not try too hard, just let it come to you; and also put yourself out there.
I say these things and don’t take my own advice 🙂
March 10, 2009 at 11:29 pm
Reagan
Oh, I know- it is so hard to make friends as an adult! I’d got with just being honest with people like the PT, i.e. Some of my closest friends have moved away and I’m looking for someong to hang out with- wanna grab dinner/drinks?
March 11, 2009 at 4:25 am
Reagan
Oh, I know- it is so hard to make friends as an adult! I’d got with just being honest with people like the PT, i.e. Some of my closest friends have moved away and I’m looking for someong to hang out with- wanna grab dinner/drinks?
Sorry… forgot to say great post – can’t wait to read your next one!
March 11, 2009 at 7:28 am
Julia
oh, it’s like you read my mind!!! it’s hard making new friends, I think in some ways it’s harder than dating! i’ve always been lucky to be in music groups, and whenever i moved to a new place it was like i had 30 instant new friends – even if they were more drinking buddies than besties. but now i’m out of the band i’m suddenly without guaranteed buddies – I’m a bit at a loss really! I’ve started going to dance classes, but instead of making new friends, i’ve ended up just kind of half hearing their conversations and wanting to be their friend, without knowing how to ask them out!
It’s so tricky. Maybe just drop PT an email? suggest an outing to the movies or something when you’ve got your next appointment? chances are she’d be just as interested and would be pleased to hang out with you! honestly!!
March 11, 2009 at 12:50 pm
Michelle
Let’s get drinks — Ryan and I have no friends in RI either (take that back, we had two across the street, then they moved) and between both weddings, I think our plans to meet up at that place with a bizzillion beers on tap got lost in the shuffle. It would be fun!
March 11, 2009 at 2:32 pm
Sara
Wow. I’m so happy you posted this. It is a lot less alienating to see other feel the same way I do! I’m only 23 (nearly 24), but I graduated with my MSW back in August ’07, so it’s been a while post-grad. I work with some cool people, but I don’t really consider them “friends” outside of work, and when I rock climb, I chat it up but it never seems to progress into much more than gym buddies.
Reading all these comments makes me feel normal. I was starting to feel a little freakish. Aside from work and awkward social situations, I don’t know how to meet people and most of my attempts flopped anyway. I have one close friend nearby who is in the Navy and leaves for months at a time. Oh, and he’s a dude. So I don’t really have any shopping buddies or girly drink buddies. They all moved far, far away. Plus, my fiance is not a chatter bug and is perfectly content to veg at home without a single contact with anyone other than his BFFs. So yeah.
I’d be your friend but I live in Florida.
March 12, 2009 at 9:15 am
Dani
I agree, when your an adult it is hard to find new friends. I have been best friends with the girls that I went to grade school with since 1st and 2nd grade. Two have moved away, and only 1 is left. Friends from high school and college are scattered throughout the country too. Coworkers can be friends, but when you work with all middle aged women like I do, it’s typically hard to befriend them outside of the work environment.
Facebook as helped a little, reconnecting with people from the past, but so many people our age (i’m also 26) are married with children and don’t have time to go out all the time.
March 12, 2009 at 9:49 am
Fabulously Broke
It is too hard to replace a long friendship with fast food friends.
I also find it hard to click or find chemistry with others, and when I do, I treasure that relationship because we just meld together.
I’ve just learned to make do lol. And use the internet a lot
March 16, 2009 at 6:29 pm
Laura
I have a lot of friends….I don’t know if its where I live that helps (Brisbane, Australia) but I just meet people all the time. I think the trick is to take people as they are. I put up with people’s little faults because I have my own too and i’m not perfect. Also, I met some great friends through wine courses, jobs (I always remain in contact with at least 2 – 5 ppl from each job) and friends of friends. Effort is required too – phone calls, texts, emails and facebook messages. Its exhausting. But worth it!
March 17, 2009 at 10:25 am
La Petite Belle
I’ll be your friend! I’m in PA though…
March 17, 2009 at 6:22 pm
Mel
I actually followed the advice from your comments. I wrote a post about it. I would be your friend but I am all the way out on the east coast.
March 17, 2009 at 6:23 pm
Mel
oops west coast.
March 17, 2009 at 6:42 pm
Ashley
Hey Amy, where in CA do you live? i feel the same way. 25 and a lot of my good friends have moved away. while i like the people i work with, i like to keep a bit of separation there. i live with my boyfriend who i adore, and we had a lot of joint friends, who also have moved away in the past few years. And it’s SO awkward to become friends with another girl. i mean guys can ask for a number or something but you can’t really do that as a girl. i dunno. i run and have thought about joining running groups as i hear that is a good way to meet people. but who knows…
March 26, 2009 at 1:12 am
Alison
I know EXACTLY how you feel! I haven’t made a friend in my new town/state since I’ve moved here, and really, all of my BEST friends are people I’ve known since high school– new CLOSE friends are really hard to come by.
It’s not just you!