I remember when you were born. A tiny pink bundle of baby with no hair, but soft peach fuzz on the top of your perfectly round head. I sat in the rocking chair at the hospital and held you, looking down at your face and trying to decide if you looked like me. Mom and Dad smiled, someone took pictures. My heart swelled with pride as my little sister fell asleep in my arms.
I remember when you climbed up on the roof in Nantucket. He told you it was fine and you were little so you listened to him. I can still feel the panic in my chest as I stood on the little deck, looking up at you perched on the point of a window. I don’t remember if you were scared. I think you were. But I was more scared. Because I could not stand the thought of you falling. You got down safely, and a lock was installed on the deck door. Higher than you could reach.
I remember you in dance recitals. I loved that people compared you to me as a dancer. It made me proud. And when the Irish lullaby began to play and you danced across the stage in stockinged feet, I teared up. Your long hair whipped around and you looked like a little woodland sprite.
I remember you in orchestra concerts. Your face so serious as you played the cello. I sat in the audience remembering my time on that very stage and at the same time, being so impressed that you could play that instrument. While the violin came easily to me, the cello was something I always wished I could pick up.
I remember your laughter. You could always crack me up like no one else. Your sense of humor so sarcastic, so unique. As we grew up we became very different people. You dressed in Hot Topic, me in J Crew. While I sang along to Brittney, you belted out classic rock. My feet were adorned in pointy stilettos, yours in clunky boots with buckles. But whatever our differences, you could always make me laugh.
I remember when your laughter stopped. When depression and anger got in the way. When the wrong crowd and the wrong behavior drove a wedge between you and us. I remember the fights, the tears and the defeat. I remember thinking it would never get better.
And then it did. I remember the day you got into college. You were standing in my kitchen when we got the call. A smile burst across my face and wouldn’t go away for days. Despite it all, you had been given a chance.
I remember you at Family Weekend. So happy, so vibrant. You told me how it was the best decision you ever made, how you were so lucky to get this chance.
And I remember the phone call from Mom. I remember her words–not happy. Failing classes. Wants to drop out. I got angry. I sent you an email full of rage when you wouldn’t answer your phone, then apologized on your voicemail later. I feel angry, disappointed, bewildered and betrayed. I want to shake some sense into you and at the same time, hold you and let you cry.
Let me help you. Let us help you. We love you and we want you to figure out what’s right.
Please call.
46 comments
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December 11, 2007 at 12:12 pm
Ashley
this made me get all choked up. I feel like I could have written this to my brother.
I hope she knows how lucky she is to have you.
December 11, 2007 at 12:13 pm
DevilsHeaven
I hope she calls.
I hope she realizes what a difference finishing college will make.
I hope she realizes sooner, rather than later.
I hope it doesn’t taint your holiday.
I hope I read a blog today that doesn’t make me tear up again.
December 11, 2007 at 12:13 pm
alissa
Sending good thoughts your family’s way.
December 11, 2007 at 12:13 pm
Clink
I already told you this, but this post is extraordinary. I got choked up too.
December 11, 2007 at 12:14 pm
Each
yes, please call her.
only someone who loves you would say those things, good, bad, truth and imperfection on both sides.
December 11, 2007 at 12:15 pm
Miriam
Oh goodness. The young ones never listen. I know, I am the young one. Call her, every chance you get. Don’t give up. She needs to be whipped into shape. She may hate it now, but she’ll thank you later.
December 11, 2007 at 12:21 pm
Jess
It’s so hard to sit there and watch people do things with their lives that you wish you could just prevent. You’re a good sister. I hope that you are all able to figure out what’s right, together.
December 11, 2007 at 12:21 pm
dreamgrrl
awww honey, you are being a good big sister. just keep being there for her and she will come around. everyone has their path they need to take, and it always has peaks and valleys — just dont lose hope 🙂 xoxo
December 11, 2007 at 12:23 pm
Stephanie
Lovely post, and what a wonderful big sister you are. She will come around. Just take things one day at a time, refrain from judgment and she will come around.
December 11, 2007 at 12:25 pm
Kateastrophe
Being a big sister is so many things . . . and hard is close to the top of the list most of the time. I hope things work out for the best.
Hugs.
December 11, 2007 at 12:30 pm
crystall
Maybe it’s because I watched Intervention for the first time ever last night, but I got all teary eyed when I read this.
I’m sorry she’s having trouble, don’t give up on trying to get to her, she will hopefully come around Molly.
December 11, 2007 at 12:35 pm
brookem
This is such a touching post. Your sister is so lucky to have you. I hope that she reaches out to you.
xo
December 11, 2007 at 12:36 pm
mikesgotnothin
You’re at your best here. She’ll realize it, too. It may take some time for her, but the support system she has is fabulous.
December 11, 2007 at 12:39 pm
violet
this is beautiful. my brother – with a whole different set of issues im sure – makes me feel the same way. i admire you for expressing it so well. i hope everything improves.
December 11, 2007 at 12:41 pm
La
I’m so sorry you have to go through this with her. Believe me, I know how it is. My sister is a handful, and I could write a book about everything she’s done. The first thing that comes to mind is the time she decided to run away from home. On the day of my college graduation.
You know I’m here if you ever need to talk 🙂
xoxo
December 11, 2007 at 12:41 pm
kwarterlifecrisis
I have a lump in my throat. What a beautiful post. I’ll keep your sister in my thoughts.
December 11, 2007 at 12:42 pm
verybadcat
It’s so hard, isn’t it, watching them beat their head into the wall when they’re standing next to the door? Letting them learn the hard way? Trying not to let them learn the hard way?
Oh, and hey, if she wants a glimpse of life without an education, send her to my blog.
Remember too, though, that she’s not like you. She may not be a university girl. She might be a part time community college working girl. Or a take a year off girl.
Awesome post.
December 11, 2007 at 12:46 pm
chasingparadise
Extraordinary post, Molly. I have goosebumps and teary eyes now. You are such a fantastic big sister. And even though it feels like she isn’t listening to you right now, I’m sure she is. She’s just dealing with things in her own way. I pray that she will come around soon. Until then, you and your family hang in there and just be open for when she is ready to talk.
December 11, 2007 at 12:47 pm
Anna
I had almost an identical situation with my little sister. I was the classic overachiever and she got lost trying to follow in my footsteps. What followed was ugly and hurtful for both of us. We’re finally getting to the other side. She’s discovered her true talents and I’m trying to give up the guilt I feel for everything she went through.
You WILL get there. It just takes time.
Be patient and take care of yourself first. She has to make her mistakes and learn from them, even if it’s hard for you to watch.
From one big sister to another, it will never be easy. And the times when you feel like you just can’t give or do anything more you have to keep going because that’s when they need you the most. Even if it means keeping your comments to yourself when you think they’re going to screw up royally.
December 11, 2007 at 12:50 pm
Lisa
Oh boo, Molly you’re such a great sister. This made me feel pretty sad because one of my siblings is also being stupid and making bad decisions but I’m totally not as supportive and helpful as you. Maybe because the bad decision making has been going on for TOO LONG and I’m tired of it. But I feel like I should care as much as you do. Oh great now I feel like a terrible sister.
December 11, 2007 at 1:55 pm
Michelle and the City
awe honey. i went thru the same thing with my brother a few years ago. i hope she calls and you can help her sort through her problems. you are an awesome sister for being supportive. but it’s normal to be frusterated as well. you only want the best for her.
December 11, 2007 at 2:11 pm
eyesaswindows
I’ve written a letter like this on my blog too. I know it just helps to have our thoughts heard uninterupted. She knows you love her, all you can do is be there o matter what, even if she doesn’t want you to. I’m sorry you feel helpless but in the end it will be okay and she will find a way.
December 11, 2007 at 2:12 pm
Peter DeWolf
That is just so lovely and perfectly written.
December 11, 2007 at 2:17 pm
DG
I hope she comes around. I also was the younger sister – and went through my ups but DEFINITE downs and I came around. Hopefully she will.
December 11, 2007 at 2:19 pm
Sassafras
Awwww…I’m sorry you have to go through this. I know how much your sister means to you.
December 11, 2007 at 2:21 pm
sasharay
I hope she calls.
You sound like a very caring big sister.
I hope she calls.
December 11, 2007 at 2:27 pm
Fritz
From one big sis to the next, just be there for her, which i know you will be.
December 11, 2007 at 2:51 pm
L B
this is why being the big sister sucks….especially when the sisters are so different, you know I feel you on this one Miss Molly. I hope you can feel better SHE WILL CALL YOU! they always do!
December 11, 2007 at 2:55 pm
Semichrmd
Beautifully written, your sister is so very lucky to have someone like you on her side. I hope things turn out ok & she decides to sticks it out – but most importantly I hope she calls.
December 11, 2007 at 3:18 pm
qu33nbee
You have to let her make her own mistakes. Let her realize that she might need help. Let her realize what she wants her life to be. But whatever she does, let it be her’s. You can’t save her from everything, even though you want to.
She will make her own life, and the only thing you can do for her is cheer her along at every step, but make sure you’re there for her when she does call (both literally and metaphorically).
You’re a great older sister. I wish I had one so caring.
December 11, 2007 at 5:41 pm
mcgee
She is so lucky to have you and your family there to help her. I hope she realizes that and gets in touch with you.
I’ll be thinking of you and your family…
December 11, 2007 at 7:52 pm
katelin
Aw, she is definitely lucky to have you looking out for her. I hope your sister calls and things work.
December 11, 2007 at 8:15 pm
onebigholiday
i hope she calls too, be strong molly
December 11, 2007 at 9:01 pm
libby
i have no doubt she will ring you. you’ve been there for her through thick and thin and have proven once again through this post how wonderful and sister, friend, and mentor you are.
December 11, 2007 at 9:18 pm
Valerie
First, you are without a doubt the best writer I know. I love how you can express every feeling/emotion through words.
Second, just be supportive of whatever decision she makes. We were there once in college, or at least I was, I wanted to leave very badly but staying was the best thing I did. She just needs to find the right friends and know that it does eventually get better.
Lastly, I’ll drive to her school right now and shake some sense into her for you. This is of course only if it makes you feel better and it would make me the bad guy, not you.
December 11, 2007 at 10:05 pm
Miriam D
You have no idea how much this post touches my heart.
My little brother failed out of college three times. The first time it happened I emailed him, called him, begged him to talk to me, every day, several times, with no answer.
It turns out he was in his room the whole time, never picking up his phone, lying in his bed in a pit of depression.
My thoughts go out to you and your sister. I hope she calls you back, and I completely understand where you are coming from.
December 11, 2007 at 11:55 pm
itsallabouthallie
I wish i had a big sister like you! She will call! give it time, it is tough when you fail and then have to face your family.
December 12, 2007 at 6:25 am
The Lisa Show
This is so touching. You’re an amazing older sister. I hope you two talk soon, and she lets you help her work things out.
December 12, 2007 at 10:42 am
Princess Taj
So sorry you’re going through this. There are 7 years between me and mini-Taj, and for some strange reason she HATES having to ask/take my advice. I’ve learned that she’ll listen to my best friend before she’ll listen to me, even if it’s the same exact thing that I had said. You might want to try that route. Sometimes it helps when the thoughtful and helpful words come from outside the family. Hang in there 🙂
December 12, 2007 at 10:44 am
Tina Vaziri
She’s so lucky to have such a caring big sister like you, and I really hope she does call you and asks for your help or at least accepts it without asking.
December 12, 2007 at 1:02 pm
Chelle
She is lucky to have you. And you are lucky to have her. No matter what transpires. Remember that. Time will resolve it in one way or another…
So sorry it sucks, though.
😦
December 12, 2007 at 1:24 pm
Anna
Oh Molly, she is lucky to have you, and I hope she can reach back for what you’re holding out to her.
December 12, 2007 at 2:41 pm
kat
I hope everything works out!
December 12, 2007 at 3:45 pm
Mr. Cheeseburger 9000
build a bridge molly.
December 12, 2007 at 6:40 pm
Shana Leigh
This post made me cry. It made me cry a lot. Like….some serious tear-age.
I know that I’ve been distant and I know how hard it is for you to watch me “bang my head into the wall”. I have a lot of sorting out and thinking to do, both alone and with the help of you and mom and dad. But I want you to know that you’re the best sister anyone could ever have, and that I know you care and appreciate your input. I know it seems like I dont want to hear what you’re saying, but it’s only because I know you’re always right. It doesnt seem accurate, but I dont think we’ve ever had a real serious fight. Nothing that wasn’t resolved in a day or two. and Im not about to change that now. I can’t wait until we both go home for christmas and I get to see you again. I feel like that will make everything ok. I’ll call soon, I promise. Thank you so much for the post.
I love you.
December 14, 2007 at 1:57 pm
Princess Pointful
I’ve found out lately, too, that being the big sister is a hard job sometimes. But you know you’re good at it if you care this much.